Random Ponderences

Guilt trippin…

2007-07-21T00:36:00.000-07:00

She called… but I never made it around to call her back. I kick myself for not having done so.
I met my friend Shareedah at King Estates junior high school in 1990. For our three years there, the crew that consisted of us, Marisol, Omeka, Tahlia and the Twins were pretty much inseparable. I often times felt that we didn’t fit into the rest of the crowd – in that moment, this felt sooo uncomfortable – but looking back, I think that was kinda cool. We always looked out for one another, ate lunch together, studied together, talked crap together – all the stuff young teenie boppers do I guess.
Our little crew would always look out for Shareedah, as she had epilepsy. Don’t get me wrong, she was very strong willed and had no problem speaking her mind – not to mention that she had a black belt in Karate no less – but often times other students and even teachers didn’t know what to do when she would have seizures. These instances were very difficult – but I did learn a great deal – I learned a lot about understanding, the act of not being judgmental, and the importance of solidarity – qualities that no text book can ever teach you – you just have to experience it.
In June of 1993, this crew of trailblazing chicas went different ways – Omeka, Tahlia and I to Oakland Tech and Shareedah and Marisol to Castlemont.
I would still talk to Shareedah from time to time. She’d send letters and I would send some back – we’d chat on the phone here and there. Still trying to hold on to a bond that was cultivated out of necessity and sincerity. I kick myself repeatedly for not holding up my end of the bargain.
It had been a few years since I spoke to Shareedah. The last time I spoke to her, she was still working at the Oakland Airport, and it seemed like she was really coming into her own. Last year she moved to Atlanta – I’m not sure if she did so with family, or on her own – but still a huge and admirable step nonetheless in my opinion.
However, I recently got some news that I was not expecting. After I got back from my LA trip last week – my mom had some news to share. It’s funny – I can always gauge when my mom has some unpleasant news to share – there is always this eerie silence and extremely calm, yet strong expression on her face. Shareedah passed away. What? My mom said that one of her sisters called with the news – it seems that she passed away after a bout with pneumonia. As soon as the news hit my ears, I could feel the guilt churn in my stomach – beginning to boil over. How could I be such a damn jerk?
Shareedah’s service was held this past Tuesday, and obviously it was extremely hard to handle. I was a mix of emotions – angry, sad, calm, numb – all rolled into one. My sister and my mom attended the ceremony with me – which made it a bit easier to process and deal.
I think the whole ceremony was reflective of who Shareedah was – very loving, respectful, filled with positive energy, supportive – as one of the eulogist said, a ceremony we only hope to have done for us some when our time comes.
Today, it's a bit easier to handle – but I must admit that my eyes are welling up as I write this. Today I had the strength to look at her program again – and I ran across some pictures of us from junior high- remembering all the happy and fun times we had together. That helps to melt away the pain and the guilt.
There are so many things that stick out from the service for Shareedah – but something that was quite poignant came from another eulogist/family member – she remembered Shareedah as a kind and loving person, and no matter what happened in her life, she never passed judgment or looked down upon anyone – which is what made her so special and unique. The eulogist’s hope was that we follow Shareedah’s legacy and work to become a bit better than we already are. Again, another instance in which I learned something that is so priceless, words cannot express how thankful I am to have been revisited with this realization. For that, I will be forever thankful to have Shareedah in my life.

Toyota Tacoma Diaries…

2007-07-12T13:25:00.000-07:00

As I sit at my desk, my mind is wandering big time. Man, I need a vacation. I think the little taste of an excursion that I had this weekend hasn’t quenched that feeling… but it was still the bomb nonetheless. This past weekend, my partner in crime Beto and took a turn around trip to SoCal – leaving on Friday and coming back Sunday… damn! Where do I begin… I guess at the beginning huh? We left East Bay around 2ish, which was a little trafficky around the Tracy area. On our way through the Modest area, it felt like we were in a damn oven – having to turn on the air conditioner periodically before we melted away – can’t say the same for the nutritious gummy bears I brought to tame our hunger, as they wound up becoming a yummy gob of gelatin… not the greatest sight to look at, but when your hungry, who really cares if it hits the spot, right?
Here is a smattering of the highlights along the way:
We passed through a city called Los Baños (the bathrooms) – imagine telling someone you live in Los Baños… hehe
We passed through a city called Panoche (which is Spanish for a woman’s nether region – but it’s a cuss word, so don’t use it unless you wanna get slapped) - again, imagine you saying I was born in or live in Panoche… that’s kinda gross come to think of it…
We stopped in Coalinga for a break and to eat something that didn’t taste like the pineapplecherryorangeapple creature we had been dining on. In Coalinga, there is essentially nothing! Where there are some things – at least the place where we stopped. There were a few gas stations, a Carl’s Jr., and Red Robin’s – which is where we ate and overused their sweet, free air conditioning. Both Beto and I were imagining what it would be like to live in this spot, and we both agreed that we would have more fun poking our eyes out with a spoon. But who knows? Maybe they have hidden raves and parties all night long and we missed it – yeah, I doubt that to.
This area all kinda looked the same after a while – lots of fields with thriving or dead vegetation, prisons, cows, hella cows, more cows, horses, sheep, a few llamas, cow shit, tons of cow shit, and another prison.
After we ate, we hit the road again and listened to the same 4 or 5 CDs over and over again (Bob Marley, Akwid, Santana, and Cumbia), but I didn’t mind – they were really dope. For more entertainment, Beto and I would crack jokes about the things we saw, crack jokes on each other, he’d help me with some of my Spanish, and I would help him with the beautiful language and technique of sarcasm, which I think I use oh so well.
Finally we reached LA, but we didn’t really didn’t know our way around – I mean REALLY didn’t know our way around. We didn’t have a map or anything – just guesstimates – like I guess we make a right here, or I guess we go straight, etc. We tried calling our LA connections for directions, but they weren’t answering or calling back. *sigh* It was getting late, we were hungry, and poor Beto had been driving the WHOLE time - I can’t drive stick =(
We finally found a place to eat in Downtown LA, which was about to close, but the staff there let us in and hooked us up. Just one of the many places on this trip where I’m sure the pounds will pop up on me soon. Later, we found a nice and reasonable place to stay, and made lightweight plans for the days to come.
On Saturday, we drove around Downtown LA again. To me, this place looks a lot like the Mission in the City or E14th in Oakland, so Beto and I felt quite comfortable (you can take the folks out the hood, but you can’t take the hood out the folks). We parked at a lot and walked around for a few hours. I bought some knock-off Claratin for my allergies and Beto bought a charger for his phone and some spices. Again we ate our faces off, and then we made our way to East Los!
Again, it’s amazing to me how all these areas look the same – it reminded me of some parts of Hayward and East Oakland near the Coliseum and the train tracks – only some of the companies here were still thriving, and perhaps still pumping who knows what in the surrounding neighborhoods via the water supply or plumes of smoke that would explode here and there.
We stopped at a Starbucks to steal some of their air conditioning and hatch a plan for what was next on our agenda. Here talked some more – about how we grew up, where we want to go in life, where the hell is the freeway, etc. Beto told me that in Mexico, he and his friends would take weekend trips every weekend. Man. Imagine that? Just saying lets bounce, and you do just that! I think I need to take advantage of opportunities like that more often. Even though we didn’t have a map, I didn’t really care – this was the first time in a long time that I did something without a strict time limit or an order – and it felt great!
But we did have to find a map on how to get down to San Diego, so we crossed the bridge that Ice Cube and NWA has filmed hella videos on and picked up several maps – we looked so touristy. By the evening, we made it to San Diego. Beto has a friend that lives there, but she wasn’t home *sigh* So again, we had to find food and a place to lay our heads. We wound up eating hella food a Coco’s and then headed down to Downtown SD – particularly the Gas Lamp Alley. To me, it really wasn’t all that – too many people – and there was a fitness convention – so it was too many fake tan/fake titty people for my taste. The main highlights for me was us walking around and getting kinda lost, eating ice cream, passing by Padres stadium, and seeing two homeless people fight. Way to go.
We then circled around and looked for a place to stay, but everything was super high, but we eventually found a place that worked out. The hotel had a bar, which was kinda like a whole in the wall and it was karaoke nite – yay. A room full of drunk people singing old rocker and slow jams, or country. The ultimate was when someone sang “Baby Got Back” and there was not any “back” in the house except mine. Go figure. The bartender was nice to us, but after our drinks, Beto and I had enough and went to sleep.
On Sunday, we hit the road to head back up to NorCal.
Again, we saw hella cows, tons of shit, and truck loads of tomatoes.
We passed by Anaheim Stadium and Disneyland (which I have still never been too, and not sure if I want to), while listening to the same 4-5 CDs and munching on the gummy bear glob.
We passed through our favorite party spot, Coalinga, crossed over the Panoche river (hehe), and passed through Los Baños (hehe).
Before we could make it all the way home, as we visited a very good friend of ours (kinda like a brother to me) Katipunero and his wife. Here we used their sweet air condition as well, and checked in with each other about how things have been since we went through our masters program. Later Katipunero took us all out to dinner… balllin!
Finally, we made it back to the East Bay! Back to the grind – boo!
Even though this trip was very short and within the State, I still learned a lot:
I learned that it’s really important to be thankful all the people that I truly cherish that are in my life; that freedom to do whatever you want should not be so intimidating;
and that there is a city called Panoche!!!
The end.

18 dummy...

2007-03-25T23:45:00.000-07:00

My calves still hurt. Yesterday I went to the UC Berkeley Charter Day event at Fort Mason in SF. For those who are familiar with this place knwo that parking is pretty much non-existent, so you could imagine what it was like to walk nearly a mile in 4 inch heels. By the end of the night, I was walking like Kevin Spacey in the “Usual Suspects”… only my walk didn’t straighten up as the scene faded to black.
These events are always funny to me… everyone dresses up to the nines to rub elbows, fatten up on dainty dinners, and get toasted on the rivers of wine and champagne that flows from the hands of servers they don’t even bother to look in the eye and/or say thank you too. I had a mix of emotions while I was there:
I cursed Steve Madden over and over again as I tried to Top Model walk to the venue.
I felt like a sell-out when I passed by the Union members protesting for fairer wages – everyone that pulled up in their cars were quickly ushered in – almost as if to shield people of the ugly truth about how the very people that build up this beacon of education are overlooked and underappreciated. *sigh*

As I walked in, I was greeted by one of the servers with a glass of white wine. “Hello beautiful! Welcome! I’m new in town and I…” He got quickly pulled away by one of the coordinators – I guess for being a bit TOO social… go figure.
After I took a swig, I checked in, put on my badge, and put on my game face – “the my feet are killing me and I’ll attempt to network” game face. An indicator of what the night was gonna be like for me was when I found a table to lean on and noticed that the beautiful Mexican bling bracelet my homie MJ got me was missing… *sigh*. That thing had been giving me problems all night long, as the clasp wouldn’t stay closed. I had just walked nearly a mile, uttering “f*ck you Steve Madden!” over and over again, in the drizzling rain no less, and now my bling was gone. I tried to retrace my steps as best as I could, as I was hopeful that the bling was indoors – “please Lord let it be inside!” “Oh honey, what are you looking for?” a soft kind voice said to me. “I lost my bracelet and I’m trying to retrace my steps.” “What does it look like honey?” I described it to her as best as I could – it’s a beautiful piece of jewelry, but it’s one of those pieces that priceless, because it came from someone that is really dear to you… know what I mean? “Well honey, you should go to the Courtesy Desk and ask them to keep an eye out for it. The bracelet sounds really beautiful; I hope you find it honey.” I thanked the woman for her kindness, but I felt like I cheated her somehow. I guess I was kinda caught off guard… someone at a high class event being nice to me??? Ok, where’s Alan Funt and the camera’s cuz I just got punked, right?
As the night went on, I continued to drown my sorrows in Gallo wines and tasty a devours, and chat here in there with some pretty cool folks – alums from the 50’s, 70’s, current students.
“Katherine… class of… 2001” muttered a gentleman that was trying to read my name tag (note to self, be cautious of where you place your name tag if you are wearing strapless outfit to an event that’s not well lit). I sincerely questioned if he was really interested in getting to know me and/or check out my boobs. “I’m blah, blah, blah…. Class of 1972.” We chatted a bit about our majors before the announcer belted over the loud speakers that it was time to take our seats at the dinner tables. Yay! I could finally get to take my shoes off on the sneak tip… and get more wine… dope.

The rest of the night was filled with inspiring stories, bad jokes, long speeches, gourmet food, jokes in my head about the shit people really didn’t need to have on, etc.

As the event ended, I made my way back to the courtesy table, with the hopes that they found the Mexican bling… no such luck. They took down my name and number, and said that they if they found it, they would hit me up. At this point, my buzz was beginning to wear off and the bummed feeling began to consume me again. As I walked away from the table, I looked down and noticed my purse was open… everything was there, except my celly-cell… when it rains it pours! Now I had to walk back across what was now a dance floor, back to the dinning area to look for a black cell phone, on a black floor. Good luck sista! I felt like such an idiot looking under table cloths, hoping that it didn’t get pulverized… even though it’s a material item, I swear I felt naked and vulnerable without it… sad huh? I asked one of the servers if she had seen it or who I should ask about keeping an eye out for it… she told me that they didn’t break down everything and that I would have to wait until 3am. Bitch, are you serious???? She was clearly being a jerk, so I had to go back to plan A… look for myself. “What’s wrong?” another kind voice asked. I told her I lost my cell phone. “What’s your number, I’ll call it.” “It just want to voice mail…. Honey, she lost her cell phone.” “Oh, ask to speak with the catering coordinator, they can alert their staff to look out for it. We hope you find it.” I thanked them both, but again, and again, I felt like I cheated them… *sigh*. I continued to kick myself until I found a server that was much more polite than the first. She took me to other servers and asked them to keep an eye out for it, as well as took me to the catering coordinator… she was really bending over backwards to help me. “Oh honey, I hope you find it.” That was the mantra of the evening.

Again I put on my gumshoes and retraced my steps and walked back towards the courtesy table… past the dance floor, in which I heard the singer ask the audience if they were ready to get “crunk” before she launched into Mary J’s “Family Affair” – I laughed on the inside and outside at the same time. When I got back to the table – “There you are! We tried calling you! We found your bracelet!.” Yay, but now I lost my phone… *sigh*.
When I looked down, I saw something flashing under the table… it was my phone! YAY, all was good in the world!!! I was now free to go out in the rain and cuss out Steve Madden all over again. Before I left, I thanked the folks that helped my find my shit… this time I didn’t feel some empty afterwards… I felt complete… not only cuz I got my stuff back, but because it was good to see that some sincerity still exist in the world, even in places you don’t expect to find it.

So the moral(s) to this long story is(are):
Prejudgment causes you to put up unnecessary bridges, so just let go!
Alcohol makes things all better.
Don’t wear Steve Madden’s when you have to walk a mile -- “f*ck you Steve Madden.”
The end.

Makin moves…

2006-12-10T19:56:00.000-08:00

I swear time flies!!! The year is almost over, and in the past few weeks I have been delinquent in my blogging duties. Here are the things I missed talking shit about:
Rummy gettin the boot
Michael Richards gone wild
Flava of Love finale (New York got shitted on twice!!!)
So many news worthy items I totally missed the boat on. *sigh*
Oh well, there are always new things like… the new Rocky Balboa movie coming out on December 20th!!! I can’t wait! Who cares if Sly is pushing 70 and kind of resembles a plate of melted butter in boxing shorts… it’s the principality of it all. The whole nostalgic piece associated with American cinema. I think with each film in the Rocky saga, I can associate some found childhood memory that makes me smile, laugh, or sigh. I can remember crowding around our busted TV that my uncle hooked his laser disc up to so we could watch Rocky II and III over and over again (damn, do laser discs even exist anymore???); never getting tired of watching Rocky getting his ass whooped by Clubber Lang, or my favorite part, him telling Adrianne to come to his place so he could show her a real man… haha… prize winning acting I tell ya. My bro, sis and I would laugh so hard, and get so amped for Rocky as he fought his way to get back to the top… it was such a thrill. My siblings and I don’t get to have that same experience very much anymore, but we definitely capitalize on the opportunities when they arise. So where will I be will numero six hits the silver screen… in Sin City, standing in line with my bro and my sis and the other Rocky marks that like to hold onto a little nostalgia, especially considering how funked up the times are lately. YO!

P.S. Rest in Peace my dear friend Adrian… keep dancing in heaven! =)

What I am learning... well, I already knew, but just gets validated each and every waking day...

2006-11-01T20:51:00.000-08:00

There are some dumbass people in the world. I can safely say that over the past week or so, I have encountered countless instances of ignorance, absentmindedness, insincerity... the list goes on...
I went to a fundraiser party for a friend/co-worker ... she has founded an awesome organization to provide medical and educational supplies to her mother's village in Peru. Anywho, my friend would do short presentations throughout the event and in one part, she talked about a weaving program that some of the women partake in to earn money for the family. She talked about how some of the women gloat and show their husbands that they are able to make money as well. As my friend was talking, a women sitting next to me goes ' yeah, cuz the men just spend all their money on alcohol... haha.' WTF??? I shot her the coldest look ever and she sat there looking hella dumb. Where do people get off? I guess because I wasn't Latina, then it was safe to say something that stupid. Ridiculous. I really don't know what goes on/doesn't go on in their brains. What for her made it a "safe zone" to talk shit about another ethnicity? Hella dumb.
I have an idea for an invention. All the stupid ass people get shocking devices implanted in their left ass cheek. Each time they say something dumb, a shock strong enough to fry an egg is sent. Yeah, I think that would sale... like hotcakes! Who wants to help me make that happen???

Hidden meanings…

2006-10-10T23:08:00.000-07:00

How do you write poems about happiness?
Elation?
Hope or optimism?
Does it take experience?
Practice or a divine intervention?
Do these poems come from the soul, the mind, or the heart?
Where do they generate, germinate, and cultivate?
How are they harvested from the deep and fertile soul of emotions and virtue?
What do these poems taste like?
What do they smell like?
What do they look like?
Maybe poems are like rose that sprout from the concrete… despite the cold, gray stone that surround them, they still blossom with beauty and sweetness.
Can poems grow and survive in the ghetto?
Or are they only from lands filled with bounty and abundance?
Maybe they can come from both?
Wherever they come from, or however they get here, they all serve the same purpose…
To enlighten, inspire, reflect, ponder, or be just whatever you want them to be…
So, where do you think poems come from?

I ain’t bullshittin!!!

2006-08-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

MAJOR VENT COMING

I hate bullshit. I hate bullshit artist. I hate the aftermath of bullshit. I hate when people talk or start bullshit. Did I mention I hate bullshit?
I feel that lately a lot of it has been shoved in my direction and I don’t like it. Why must we live in a society where folks pride themselves by getting over on the next person? Where taking advantage of others supercedes the concept of doing actual work (be it physical, mental, emotional, etc.)… where honesty is a figment of imagination, and deception becomes a reality. Interesting huh? Interesting and quite sad I must say.
I think I have a pretty good bullshit radar… but sometimes it’s a little off. I guess because I want to see the good in people no matter what, and tend to give folks the benefit of the doubt. However, when I begin to smell the whiff of that pungent “Eau de Caca,” it’s about time to hit the wind and peace that sucka out.
But I guess people all have their own ways of handling deceit and lies. I tend to go for making that offender’s life miserable… I guess I’m just petty like that. But in all seriousness, I tend to not respect people that give bullshit… some folks may think that this punishment doesn’t outweigh the crime… but in my mind it does. Who wants to go the rest of his or her life being branded as a liar… someone that cannot be trusted… and not worthy of respect?
Alls I gotta say is that if anybody every thinks of trying to pull the wool over my eyes, they will be very sorry… The wrath of KattyGirl is much too strong to bear!!!
So how do you handle bullshit and bullshitters?

On a lighter note… thank goodness for dance! It’s nice to get away from bullshit for a few hours and be around genuine folks.

p.s.: I was only half kidding about making a liars life miserable… it’s a fun way to entertain urself… =)

Can we get back to this?

2006-08-15T12:07:00.000-07:00

I see more and more elderly people going to the doctors alone. When I was a kid, I don’t remember seeing that happen very often. Someone was with them… a son or daughter… nephew or niece… a friend. Someone to help ease the worry… or decipher the medical jargon that would sail over the heads and breeze in and out of their ears. I dunno if this phenomenon is endemic to my family or not, but NOBODY goes to the doctor alone… especially and elderly person.
Aside from even mentioning the rising medical care cost, or quality of treatment a patient may receive, I guess the ultimate point I am making is the decline I see in social support networks… especially in times like these. Sometimes I think our communities have developed an apathy or have become desensitized to what is around them… it’s appalling and frustrating. I was talking to a co-worker the other day about the state of the world… all the war and violence that surrounds us and whatnot… I was wondering, where do we start? Do we address the issues in our backyard? Or the ones that the higher ups (politicians and other super powers) have created worldwide. She said the best thing to do is start with yourself. Fix what’s going on with you before you expend energy in another direction. I’ve thought about this, but didn’t think about this… know what I mean? I mean, I’m cognizant of taking care of myself first, but do I actually do it? Nope. *sigh*
Back to accompanying elderly people to the doctor… I guess I’m kinda nostalgic about that because I was often accompanying my grandma and aunt on their visits. Many moons ago, I had this idea of being a pediatrician. When my grandma caught wind of that, I think she would delight in my following along. She said that if I wanted to be a doctor, I had to see how it is done. Today, I was wondering if I learned anything from those visits… and I did… I learned how to treat people with respect… how it is important to have compassion and to be genuine with your patient regardless as to whether or not others think so… that systems are not balanced and equal and that you have to be your own advocate to get your human right, which is quality health… and that even though you bear witness to a persons demise, to not focus on the negative, but eventually find a positive and grow from that… Thanks grandma for making me spend those visits with you. =)

Mental constipation…

2006-07-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

I think I need a mental Ex-lax… I feel like a lot of my writing or desire to do so has been forced lately. I hate that. Sometimes I’ll be driving a long, or have some dope-ass convos with friends about various things (life, human behavior, future plans, etc.), but when it comes down to documenting it, everything becomes blur and I find myself fishing for those awesome thoughts and quotes they shared with me earlier in the day. Gah! Maybe I should learn shorthand, and then I can transcribe what they said verbatim. Or maybe I should get a lil tape recorder and spout off all this thoughts that sail around in my mind. The limits I will go to for my own personal fulfillment I tell ya.

Or maybe it’s a simple factor of just stopping for a second and taking the initiative to just do it...some times I think I find myself being my own biggest hypocrite. But I must say that I am proud of myself in recognizing where I am steering clear of my beliefs and making a conscious effort to bring myself back on track. Sometimes I think we get overly consumed and burdened by all the negative and what we consider to be insurmountable factors until we lose sight of the possibilities to actually conquer them. My personal challenge to you is to figure out one thing that you have wanted to accomplish or attain, but always figured that it would be to difficult to achieve… and make the radical action of actually achieving it. And even if you don’t exactly reach that mark you have set for yourself, you won’t spend the rest of your life kicking yourself in the butt for not trying…
On a side note… I loved the Pirates of the Caribbean sequel… now all I have to do is stop for a minute and watch the first one… I so have to remember to practice what I preach.

Si Se Puede...

2006-03-29T13:09:00.000-08:00

I’m sure you all have caught wind of this ridiculous legislation that will criminalize undocumented individuals in the United States. This morning on the news, a reporter talked about how this issue has divided a nation, in terms of their views and beliefs on this issue. What’s funny to me is how whenever these issues come up, it’s an open pass for those of elitist and biased mindsets to unleash their deep-seeded racism, sexism, ageism, any ol kind of ‘ism’ and chalk it up as ‘free speech’ or ‘my opinion.’ The other day on the news, they showed a guy provide testimony to San Jose City Council in support of this legislation. He said, “Just because they clean our toilets and pick our lettuce does not warrant them the same rights as legal citizens.” Dizzamn! Now is that a fair argument for his point of view, or is he just finding a soap box to spew his rhetoric from? Another thing that irks me is how they label undocumented immigrants as people willing to do the work that Americans won’t do… isn’t that elitist or what. Good old Condi Rice has said this numerous times all this past week, in addition to swallowing the bullshit apology from a St. Louis DJ in St. Louis that referred to her as “a big coon,” when he meant to say “a big coup.” Yay. Its funny… this great nation that we reside in was built on the backs of natives (i.e. Native Americans) and immigrants (whether by will or against it), yet we reject those that come here to seek opportunities to better themselves and communities… kind of an unjust practice, no? At the feet of Lady Liberty it reads:
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!
Nowadays, this all kinda sounds like bullshit, don’t ya think?

Quote of the day…

2006-02-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

While watching PBS documentaries just about all day long, this is a quote that struck me the most: “It’s easier to build a monument than a movement.” It was in reference to the various civil rights leaders that were slain during 1968. Essentially referring to how people are more inclined to praise and jump on the bandwagon of a leader once they are gone, yet while that leader is in the present and in the flesh, no one is chomping at the bit to do the work. Very poignant. In the midst of Black History month, in which 30 second shorts give us glimpses as to how African-Americans helped in providing a frame for this wonderful nation; I wonder, is this what those leaders fought for? It’s unfortunate that these documentaries aren’t infused into mainstream networks. Instead of being conscious of our histories so that we won’t be doomed to repeat it, our eyes are constantly glued to shows like “Desperate Housewives” to see who will be the first to don the first size -1 dress. Ok I’m hella exaggerating, but you get my point. As the years go by and we lose more and more of the leaders that struggled tooth and nail for equality and justice for all, I hope that people not only take a moment to celebrate that person’s life, but to stop and think about what the next steps will be in carrying on that mission and actually doing it.

Well keep it real why don’t you?!?!

2006-02-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

"I never forget what my grandfather told me: There are two kind of people in life: the doer and the loser. Which one are you?" – Tom Vu, late night infomercial king

Have you ever had one of those moments where you weren’t sure if the advice someone was giving you was constructive or a fat ass slap in the face? That shit happened to me not to long ago, and it was on advice I didn’t really even ask for! Shizer. It’s funny, we always use that old adage that you never know a man/woman unless you walk a mile in his/her shoes, but that shit is so real. I’ve been thinking about the fine line between being hopeful and ambitious, yet at the same time being conscious of not deluding yourself and being realistic. It’s all a winding conundrum with pseudo moments of clarity and finality. Bah! So what are your thoughts?

Flashbacks…

2006-02-02T10:17:00.000-08:00

My bro and I were watching videos the other day, and Kirk Franklin has this new song that samples an old school track. I’m blanking on the name of his song and the old school jam, but it was funny how that instance jogged back memories. My bro and I were laughing because we used to watch Vacation Video on PBS, and during the break between shows, they would show freeze frames of random kids being “active” – like kicking a kick ball, swinging on monkey bars, and doing some weird ass stretches and whatnot, all with the backdrop of funk music. My bro and I laughed even more when he mentioned that fact that we wanted to buy the vacation video activity book, but we couldn’t afford it. Well, we laughed momentarily at that. That shit was only $10, but it was $10 we didn’t have. Interesting. On Comcast, they have been playing this PSA asking people to donate clothes and such to the St. Vincent de Paul Society. I remember when I was a kid, we used to go to the center on San Leandro Ave. in East Oakland to get clothes and toys. We spend what felt like hours in there trying to get the good finds and such. I think one time I prolly thought to myself “man, I hope none of my friends see me in here.” But that was about only one time – I guess the fact that we were buying things from a salvation center didn’t really matter so much. Early on, my siblings and I learned the big difference between needs and wants. Like we didn’t need that damn Vacation Video booklet, as much as we needed to eat and have clothes on our backs. It’s funny how these memories come back full circle at the right time. And that we can have a little light hearted laughter about it, but still being cognizant of the fact that the experience had a much deeper meaning.
On a Super Bowl note, I’m pulling for the Steelers. Make Franco Harris and Terry Bradshaw proud! =)

Who are you?

2006-01-19T23:29:00.000-08:00

In continuing along the topic of human behavior, I had a mental discussion with myself today after sitting for hours on desk duty at work (3/4 of a progress report done, and 1 ¼ more to go). After my eyes began to glaze over from the constant review of actions and activities our program has implemented over the past 6 months, I needed a mental break. I decided to take a gander at a website focusing on one of my interests: horoscopes. I know, I know, folks feel like they are some empty, Miss Cleo “call me now” avenues of wasting time and brain cells, but I like them. A good friend of mine is well versed in all the air and water sign lingo, which would be interesting to know one day, but I think I’ll settle for Astrology.com for now. Anyway, I was looking over my Karma sign and a quick write up about my zodiac sign. All of them seem to hit the nail on the head, which obviously piques my interest even more in this topic. Weirdness. It just had me thinking, how are these astrologers able to summarize the behaviors and actions of a entire zodiac clique? What about culture? Ethnicity? Experiences? Influences/personality models? That has to tip the scales somehow. Ultimately as human beings, I think that we tend to believe that we are the ultimate controllers of our own behaviors, personalities, and beliefs, and if we succumb to any one else’s generalization of how we will or are suppose to act, we feel weak, undisciplined, and easy to influence. Hmmm, such a mental conflict. It’s funny, I delved into this mental discussion to break away from having my eyes glaze over from all the data entry I had to do, and the former wound up being more work. Go figure.
So who are you?

Why we do what we do…

2006-01-15T14:00:00.000-08:00

Minor spoiler for the Constant Gardner if you haven’t seen it…

Yesterday I watched the Constant Gardner with my mom. Earlier in the semester, some of my classmates had a social outing and caught it together, considering that it’s such a public health movie. To not spoil it too much for folks that haven’t seen it, the backdrop for the film involves the AIDS pandemic in Africa, and how Big Pharma (aka, pharmaceutical companies) take advantage of vulnerable populations – in particular, either testing new products on human beings that do more harm then good, or charging poor people through the nose for products that do work. What the higher ups will do for a buck, eh? In any event, the primary focus of the story is some guy’s undying love for his wife, and his quest to figure out why his wife was murdered. This film had me thinking about a lot of things – how come even after a movie like this has some out, we talk more about how such a great film it is, and not what can we do to put an end to injustices not only around the world, but within our backyards as well; how money and fame can ultimately supersede the ethics and morality of human beings (we’re supposed to live unselfishly, right); but ultimately, why do we as human beings do what we do. In the film, the wife is constantly pushing the issue about the importance of putting an end to the genocide of the Africans, yet the husband barely cares. It’s not his problem so to speak. However, after his wife is murdered, he goes on this fact finding mission to figure out who was responsible for his wife’s death – and if it unearths the untruths and deception that the Big Pharma company has hidden, then that would be an added plus. I wonder, is that a positive of negative outcome? I mean of course it brought into the light perhaps a greater injustice, but if his wife had not been murdered, would he have given a shit? I know I’m going on and on about a partially ficticious scenario, but I have to give some sort of general explanation, as I see this on a constant basis in public health, let alone in my private life. More recently, I sold some raffle tickets to help raise money for the Women’s Cancer Resource Center to raise money for all the great work that they do for so many families that are affected by cancer. They had some really great prizes, but to me, the ultimate gift was supporting the center. However, and acquaintance told me that if she had known what cool prizes were offered, she would have bought a ticket. Way to go eh? I guess I shouldn’t be so critical about the Constant Gardner. I often wonder that if I hadn’t lost 6 family members, and a good friend to this horrible disease, or go through the entire process with one of my best friends (hooray for her 3 years remission!), would I be so passionate about eradicating cancer. I honestly don’t know. One thing that a mentor told me when I was making a decision about my internship this past summer was to pick something that I was extremely passionate about – a topic that pisses me off so much that despite how daunting and overwhelming it may be, that you will never quit on it. I think that’s some pretty sound advice – but I would add that folks should make sure that you are genuine about it, and not only interested in a cause because it can stand to give you a little bit of fame and money. That mindset has never done shit for anybody, and never will.

Dream Weaver...

2006-01-10T12:11:00.000-08:00

When I was in 6th grade, our teacher said that we could listen to music while we did in class study, or took tests. At first, we thoughts she was gonna let us listen to KMEL, so we could get to Humpty Dance around the classroom and whatnot… man didn’t our bubble get busted. She would only let us listen to those soft rock stations that would play hits from 70s, 80s, and 90s. It’s funny how we became creatures of our environment. How we had to adapt in order to survive such daunting conditions – which meant abandoning our hip-hop and r&b vibes for something totally different. One of my favorite songs became and still is “Dream Weaver” by Gary Wright.

The fascinating/exhaustive explanation as to why I like this song leads me to this: the interpretation of our dreams. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but every once and I while I have some really fucked up dreams. Last night was one in particular. Had me straight shook. To not go into the gory details, essentially I was being attacked, and everyone that I thought was going to help me stood by idle. I’m telling you, mad weird. The sucky part is that my ass couldn’t wake up for shit. Go figure.

Anyways, for my major, we focused on social theory, and one aspect of a course I took was on the interpretation of dreams. Freud says “that emotions buried in the unconscious surface in disguised form during dreaming, and that the remembered fragments of dreams can help uncover the buried feelings.” He goes on to say “that dreams are wish-fulfillments, and will ultimately argue that those wishes are the result of repressed or frustrated sexual desires. The anxiety surrounding these desires turns some dreams into nightmares.”
Wow. This explains it all and says a lot. I have to do some more research on this, but according Freud, my dreams mean I ain’t getting’ no action. Man, and I was all set to blame it on all that al-kee-hall I consumed on Saturday. Sweet.

Hood Rich...

2005-11-07T23:57:00.000-08:00

All this weekend I had a variety of thoughts floating in my head, but a discussion in class tonite brought them all together. Through discussions with others and personal observations, I kept thinking about how race, class, gender, and access all intersect. This weekend when I had dinner with J and his parents, I was telling them about this joke my brother and I had going with my sister. How before she was born we were hella rich, but when she came along we became broke. Ahhh, tormenting the youth. What are older siblings for eh? I’m digressing a little bit, but it is related to the bigger picture. The whole issue of status and perception that exist not only in the broader sense of community (i.e. certain cities, neighborhoods, etc.), but amongst culture and race – in my instance, Black folks. Like I have said in previous post, sometimes I feel like I am bi-community, if that makes sense, considering where and how I was raised, and the opportunities and experiences that I have now. Both are on two different ends of the spectrum, but clash like plaids and polka dots. Tonite in class we were reading this article about section 8 housing in Sunnydale – a low income area in SF. The way they depicted African-American girls was ridiculous… that they all have these unwanted pregnancies; they turn to unhealthy food, drugs, and alcohol to “self medicate”; and are in constant fear of boys and fall into abusive relationships with older men. From personal observation, I know that this can happen… but ALL girls fit into this situation. Hmmm… interesting. I couldn’t help but think about how beliefs like these create an “us vs. them” mentality, not only in the broader sense of community, but amongst Black folks, not to mention the personal battles that I feel we often internalize day in and day out. Like I said, all very interesting. This article now reminds me of emergency room visit I had when I was 13. I had what turned out to be a real bad case of food poisoning, but the head physician wasn’t buying it. He kept telling my mom, “You know, kids like her come in all the time and they are afraid to tell their parents they are pregnant.” He kept insisting that I have a pregnancy test and a pelvic exam. He even made my mom exit the exam room so that he could ask me again if I were sexually active and if I thought I was pregnant. Yes, you gotta love how stereotypes perpetuate beliefs that limit and pigeon hold folks. That happened to me nearly 15 years ago, and I am certain that I wasn’t the only one that he had this discussion with; and that he and other docs like him felt the need to tell “girls like me” how we live our lives, all based on a sick perception of what my community looks like. Shizer, how much longer will we have to deal with shit like this?

Numb...

2005-09-02T17:21:00.000-07:00

You can’t help but see all of the destruction that Katrina has left in her wake. You cannot help but hear all the countless stories of people that can’t find their loved ones, lost every last possession, and have no figment of any thought as to what their next steps will be. This whole ordeal is affecting me a lot more than I’d imagine. I guess because I have family down south… not in the regions affected, but they are very close. And that the folks that I see on TV look like my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. That makes it all the more real. When my mom was about 9, a category 4 hurricane ripped through Texas. My grandma refused to take them to a shelter, because she felt they would be safer where they were. She was right. Hurricane Carla flooded numerous parts of Texas and 31 people died. Not to mention that the very shelter my mom would have stayed was overwhelmed by a variety of illnesses and diseases that only added on to the death toll of the event. I hope that in the aftermath of Katrina that everything gets put entirely into perspective. Like us public health geeks constantly say – Everything is a public health issue.

You would think that the infrastructure for regions like these would be in adequate place, and that people shouldn’t have to wait 4 days to get clean water and food, let alone be rescued. Although I can’t help but be glued to the TV to stay informed about what’s going on, I’m getting sick of what I see and hear. How all the negativity that is going on in Louisiana and Mississippi is overshadowing the ultimate issue – that everyone needs help. Most recently, a zero tolerance/shoot to kill order has been enacted. What the fizzle? Like my homie tuc21 was telling me earlier: shoot a 12 yr old kid who is tryin to get some evian at 711. I can only imagine the countless stories about these instances in the days to come.

This topic has been involved in almost every convo I’ve had lately. At the beauty shop today, my stylist was so pissed at Bush on TV. I wonder when and if he’s gonna go into the regions that were affected worse and not only the “safe” parts – not only in terms of damage, but also in terms of the areas where there aren’t as many poor and just about forgotten. Props to New Orleans' Mayor Ray Nagin and Ohio Representative Ted Strickland for criticizing the Federal Government for their slow response to do something that they should have already been prepared for. It’s horrible that thousands of people have been displaced, for the time being, and will soon be released to a home that no longer exists for them. Is their any plan to support them a month from now? Hell, how about tomorrow??? This all just pisses me off even more and more.

So what do we do from here? In November, just about all of the health education department and students were slated to attend a conference in New Orleans. The APHA annual meeting is like the Super Bowl for public health professionals – in which we come together and share with and learn from one another and what direction health will take. I was juiced about going, but after Katrina, I’m not sure if it really matters any more. It’s ironic that this national public health event was slated for an area that is hit by a major public health crisis. Although I doubt that the event is going to happen there, I still want to help those affected by Katrina as best as I can. If anyone hears about ways to volunteer or donate supplies to victims, please let me know. It’s time to get active.

You think you know, but you have no idea…

2005-08-18T15:31:00.000-07:00

Multi-facets has it’s benefits and costs. Although it can make you well versed and varied in a multitude of styles, voices, and abilities; it can all tend to isolate and undermine who you are. In many instances, aspects that you think others would appreciate more and score you a few brownie points in their eyes actually hide the parts of you that can shine brighter than chromed out rims. In your head, you know you shouldn’t give a shit about what they think… but in the back of your mind, that negativity just stews. Case in point, I went to a youth conference a few weeks ago, because SFSU is starting a Colleges Against Cancer chapter at our site. We were paired up with some Berkeley folks, which is cool, cuz I work on a grant associated with the college, and it’s my alma mater. Anywho, one of the Berkeley folks kept referring to us as “kids”. Mind you that I got a good few years on him, I’ve been through the UCB system back and again, I’m in grad school and coordinate a program… but that didn’t matter. Sometimes I think when I tell people I go to SFSU, it translates to she was too stupid to get into a real college. A couple of other Cal alum feel the same, and get similar reactions. It’s weird. What’s funny, I find that I enjoy my experience at SFSU much more than I did serving my time at UCB. Can you imagine my amazement when I was walking across the San Fran campus and someone actually spoke and smiled for no reason?!?! That never happened at UCB. If they did, they were trying to get you to vote for them at elections, or join Environmental California or something. But I digress. But do you feel where I’m coming from? The sense of knowing that you can offer a lot more than another person may give you credit for, but you get shut down? How do you react? Respond?
I’ve been watching that show “So you Think You Can Dance?” because I know some folks that were quite successful on it, but I do wonder what this show undermines about each participant. Or what it says about being a good “dancer”. I often think that it has to come from the soul… that you have to have a passion and drive that pushes you to put your body and emotions to the limits, so that you can be the best that you can be. I give props to the folks that have never had a dance class in their lives, but religiously watched videos, hung out in the parks dancing with their home boys or home girls until they nailed that freeze pose just right. I can’t really feel the ones that are just doing it cuz they want people to fawn at how fast they can shake their ass or do a Shakira boobie pop. It has to be much more. I remember this one guy at UCB was in a dance group on campus and he thought he was the shit, cuz he went to all these master hip-hop classes down in LA. The funny thing though, he didn’t like Black people. Hmmm… Black people and hip-hop, kinda go hand in hand ya think… not being stereotypical or anything, but it is what it is. I couldn’t, nor wanted to bother getting below the surface that he presented to me… would have been like talking to a brick wall. But I’m curious… how do you or do you even promote your talents, abilities and wisdoms to other people? And when they give you a fat blocked punt, how do you respond?

If you don’t give a damn, we don’t give a f#$!

2005-07-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

I have been plagued with a load of peeves this week. I am convinced that there is a conspiracy against me – someone is toying with my emotions and mental state just for kicks. They must pay for such actions:

Peeve #1: People that can’t park. I’ve been having some horrible parking chi, karma, or whatever you wanna call it. What did I do wrong? Ding too many cars trying to parallel park and this is the punishment I must endure? Either mofos take up two parking spaces, because they are too selfish to inch forward just a smidge, their car is literally assed out in the street because they didn’t come in for landing properly, or their just being an ass by sitting in their car and giving you that “oh I’m not leaving” wave. Arrg! Since we’ve moved offices, parking has been a total nightmare – I either have to move my car ever two hours, or walk 15minutes from a street that has no time limit. I need more relaxation CDs… it’s time to Woo-saa

Peeve #2: 911 is a joke. On my way home the other day, I saw a fight and a multiple hit and run accident. Some chicks in one car, no less than about 6 or 7 of them, jumped out and started beatin’ the shit out of some girls in the car ahead of them. Dayum! The driver of the car that was on the short-end of the fight panicked – sideswiped a mini-van, smacked the hell out of a Honda, and then jetted. The girls that were laying the smackdown took off in pursuit, and then the Honda took off after the car that hit them. It looked like a frickin’ Tom and Jerry, cat and mouse chase. I called 911 to get some help, because the folks in the mini-van still needed some assistance. It took two minutes before CHP picked up, in which they transferred me to Oakland police. I was on hold for 20 minutes. What the feezy!!! That utterly made no sense. As citizens of our fine cities, the po-po and the public are encouraged to help one another stand up to the evil doers that plague or streets. But what are we to do when one of those partners in the deal breaks the pact? Recently near Cal, a young woman was shot to death outside of her home – a very tragic accident. She and some friends were being accosted by a group of guys, so she called a friend for help. Instead of the friend getting out of the car and going up to the guys toe-to-toe, he gets out shooting. Little did he know that one of those bullets would strike the person that called him for help. Again, leave it to unresponsive 911 – it took them 10 minutes to get to the scene of the crime.
Kinda like what my friend burcugunes was saying, about how everyone is all for non-violence and peace when it’s convenient. And that often times these words get reduced to just that – words. Perhaps people often forget about the work and commitment that’s linked to the action of protecting the community, because they’re too busy talking away their anytime minutes and griping that their soy lattes aren’t foamy enough. Shizer.

Daddy Dearest…

2005-06-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

This has been on my frontal lobe for the past couple of days, so I better jot this down before I forget it. So Father’s Day is coming up this Sunday, and it seems like almost everyone I know is doing something special for their pops on that day. This has been a holiday that I have never been really jazzed to celebrate: a.) because I kinda think that buying power tools, Old Spice, and a booger-green tie is not the best reflections of showing how much you care for someone that helped give you life; b.) some of the Daddy Day cards seem kinda bootsy (i.e corny, played out, lame); c.) I have and probably never will have anyone to celebrate on this day. I have and never will have a father. Please don’t take this post as my giving a jaded view of my life as a fatherless child, because my intentions are not to make this a bitch and moan session… I’m just being real as usual. I remember when Phil Donahue, Geraldo Rivera (before the whole Capone’s vault mystery finds), and Sally Jesse Rafael (before the “send the punks to boot camp” shows), used to have these episodes in which they would help someone reconnect with loved ones. They would always have some father or mother seeking a long lost child, but unbeknownst to them, the producers located their kid and they were secretly waiting in the audience. At the opportune time, the kid, posing as an audience member would ask the mom or dad in a tear-jerking, frog in the throat voice, “If you had the chance, what would you say to them?”, followed by a “Mom/Dad, I’m your son/daughter!” They embrace, as their muffled microphones capture their shrieks and sobs of joy, finality, happiness, and resolution. I wanted that to happen for a long time. I stopped hoping for that when I was 13. It’s funny how through your life time, a lack of caring can develop. Over time, my thoughts have ranged from wonder, mystery, excitement, hopefulness, anger, apathy, and more recently, to not really giving a shit. I’m 27 years old, I don’t know if it’s possible to make up for all the missed birthdays, the tough days at school, cleaned up knee scrapes, dried eyes, etc.
I am truly thankful that there were folks around to pick up the slack. My mom, grandma, aunts, uncles, third cousins twice removed, and whatnot. But if anything, my bro picked up a lot of the slack. The funny thing is that he is only 5 years older than me, but he managed and had to grow up pretty damn quick. Aside from trying to transform me into the lil bro he never had by making me permanent quarter back in the street football games on the block, or teaching me how to read baseball stats without a glimmer of confusion; my bro had to assume the role of what I figured a father to be – the disciplinarian, the comforter, and the protector. Sometimes I don’t think I thank him enough for getting us through all the rough times. He deserves a lot more credit than we can ever give him.
Sometimes, I wonder how it will be to have a father in my children’s lives. How I will react to seeing the interactions that they have with one another. Albeit it’s from a totally different perspective, but then again, will it be?
Anyway, I hope those that are doing sometime special for their papas are able to have a fun and safe day. But more importantly, I hope that you remember to let them know how much you care about them throughout the year, instead of waiting to the third Sunday in June.

Rich. Bitch.

2005-06-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

If you ever wonder what our future will be like, take a gander at MTV and VH1 programming. I think I lost a few brain cells by watching that shit. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty entertaining, but after a while you begin to absorb all the harsh reality of it all… that eventually bubble head and talentless individuals will rule our planet… oh wait, that shit already occurs, so never mind. One of my fav/worst TV shows to watch is “Sweet 16”. This is where some mogul’s kid gets some lavish sweet 16 party thrown in their honor. There was one chick that literally boohooed at the dinner table like 2 year old because she didn’t get the car that her folks promised her… I mean she was pouring on the fake waterworks big time. Dayum. Oh, and when her moms cancelled her credit cards, she promptly called her mom a bitch. Such a darling eh? Then there was one girl who straight up told her invitees that if they didn’t bring her a gift, they weren’t getting in. Such a cherub of joy. The parts that made me laugh out loud were when their folks would say that they gave them all that phat shit because they “deserved it.” Huh? For doing what??? Being a bitch 24/7? Spending all of their folk’s money and patience? Wow.
I wonder if my kids will turn out that way come day. When I make my way into the lap of luxury from all of my hard work and dedication in the non-profit/grassroots public health arena (ok, if you don’t get that joke, I think you’ve lost more brain cells than I have), will by kids become bratty little bitch machines that pout and gripe because they can’t get their way? I often joke with my mom and say, “ I should start acting that way.” Or “What if I did that when I was younger?” Only to get my mom’s patented “What the hell did you just say??” look, and her saying “Yeah, try it.” Or “I’d have liked to have seen that happen too.”
When I was a kid, we didn’t haven’t nearly as easy. My grandma and great aunt had a quarter acre of land that had a well underneath, and every weekend, bro and I had to go work there. When I say work, I’m not talking about that foo-foo stuff, I mean WORK. Pulling weeds, trimming hedges, planting and picking fruits and vegetables, tilling, hacking, etc. Backbreaking stuff man… from when I was about 5 years old, all the way up until now I still have to do that stuff… not at the quarter acre place, but around our house and whatnot. Free landscaping at my expense. Or how when me and siblings did or said something stupid, how we had to work as punishment… wash walls, do laundry, mow the lawn, do dishes, etc. And if my grandma didn’t like the quality of what you were doing, it was nothing for her to make you do it all over again… “Oh no… you gotta lick that dog over.” You gotta love Southern lingo. Or her fav line “I tired child is no trouble.” Indeed.
So I have come to this conclusion: my children are gonna have it rough. Their gonna have to wear the hand-me-downs that their dad and I wore when we were kids. Let’s see how much fun they have rockin’ Boys II Men and TLC era digs to school. And ever day, chores galore… and if they don’t finish or do them to my liking, I’ll wake them up at 2am so that they can finish it. Oh, and they better kick ass in school too. And what will they deserve for sweet 16? A two-toned 1989 bucket Honda Prelude, with mixed matched wheels, and a trip to Mickey D’s. I guess they can have an apple pie, but don’t expect extra cheese… that’s pushing it.My kids will be begging to go to their God-parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, next door neighbors houses. It’ll be a blast! Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit. Or maybe I’m bitter because I didn’t get my Range Rover when I turned 16… Boohoo.
Speaking of my bro, today is his b-day... happy b-day old fart!

Chin check...

2005-05-26T22:53:00.000-07:00

Getting the shit scared out of you + a joyful celebration = a big case of numbness

On my way home from work yesterday, my life flashed before my eyes. I was crawling through traffic on 580, when all of a sudden a tire from the outbound lane hopped over the guard rail into the lane I was in. All of a sudden, everything began to happen in slow motion… tire spinning out of control… me thinking “oh shit, what am I gonna do?!?! Why won’t that car to my right get the hell out of my way!!!” Tire bouncing and spinning… “that shit is gettin’ hella close!” I close my eyes and veer a little. The tire was a hair away from hitting me dead in the driver’s side windshield, but some how barely cleared my car. I kid you not… the damn thing was so close it left tire dust on my driver side windows. I pinch myself to see if I was dreaming and to check if I was alive, I do a check of my car, and a check of the folks behind me. I don’t think my heart began to beat again until I got home.
Shifting gears and a few hours later, my professor through a party for our class to end the semester. Still kinda reeling from earlier, I wasn’t exactly in party mode. I had to hurry and check those feelings in the back of my head for a bit. This party was actually what I needed. All semester long, and my cohort folks will concur, this semester was hell and a half… but we survived! It was fun to grub, sing (or attempt to), and dance all night long. I even had an impromptu battle with my professor’s hubby… that shit was sick! As the evening went on, I started feeling a lil melancholy… we only have about a year left in our program, a year before we part ways, a year before the band of 19 folks that managed to form one, breaks off into its little individual pieces again… kinda like Megazord from Power Rangers. I guess the idea of time running out is so scary and jarring because we actually all like each other… there is a respect and a genuine, sincere care and interest in one another… no bullshit, no shortcuts… all reality. At the end of the night, our professor gave us bound copies of the trainings that we created this semester, each with a personal note… how dope is that? I swear, these folks are all the best. I’ll never forget you guys… especially if one of y’all work for NIH (National Health Institute) and I have to apply for a grant or somethin’… hehe.
Today I had a couple of convos with folks about fake people. How in due time, these folks that feel they need to shovel you bullshit to get your attention, trust, affection, money, etc. Or just how people only go for face value… the flawless aesthetics, the glam and the glitz… and neglect those that shine more so from the inside than the outer shell. I can say there are very few people in my life that are genuine… but in the end, I suppose we don’t need a whole lot of folks that are that way in our lives… we need to interact with the bullshit folks to remind us that we are still alive, to keep us on our toes… kinda like spare tires that bounce in our paths.
Have a safe and happy holiday weekend… especially on the road.

Set Trippin'...

2005-05-15T23:33:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I got into a discussion/disagreement with a relative of mine. My mom is dope. She is so proud. She was telling him how I went to Cal and how I was working towards a masters in public health. My mom usually likes to pass this info off to people to show her pride – but not to get what this relative gave back. Our convo first started off talking about advancing in education and such (really positive stuff). Then some how the tide turned to where he was throwing all this backhanded comments about the institution I graduated from. What the feezy??? He started talking about how he hates to hear people complain about their experience at Cal (i.e. the various ‘isms’ experienced, highly competitive environment and whatnot, etc.). How he knew this one girl that went to UCB and how her experience was hell, but he gave a shit about her because she deserved everything she got – in other words, all the bullshit she experienced was well deserved and that’s what she gets for deciding to go there. All through this convo, he kept saying how he was proud to have gone to an historically Black college and that everyone should experience that. During this convo, my head was doing back flips – ranging from what the fuck is he talking about, to maybe he has a point, to I wish he would shut the hell up and get out of my face. I told him, I don’t regret my experience at UCB at all… of course it was punctuated with typical “isms” bullshit… I mean my first day on campus was highlighted by a counselor telling me I didn’t deserve to be there (that was a joy); to a friend of mine getting into a shouting match with some guy that told her she was taking his brother’s spot. I mean even today, crap still happens… like how only 30 Black folks got admitted last Fall… frickin’ 30!!! If anything, all of that made me stronger. It has prepped me for the school of life so to speak… as here, you can’t run and tell the dean someone is being all shitty to you. The stuff that you encounter through life is in your face. It’s real and you better have sturdy mental, emotional and spiritual armor to handle it.
During this chat, what kept flipping through my head is that this relative and I were in different places for the same reason. Historically Black colleges developed because of the various social inequalities that prevented Black folks from going to institutions of higher education. The same whirlwind pushed many to fight for opportunities in these existing institutions of higher education. It’s weird, the same things that make us proud of each other and support one another in our community, are the same reasons why we hate and shoot down one another – a form of intellectual genocide if you ask me.
Sometimes, I feel like I just can’t win. Like when I get into these dumb ass convos, I feel like I’m talking to a wall. I feel like I’m torn between two worlds at times – my inner-city, East Oakland, Southern roots and my uber-academic, super-professionalism. On one hand, having to prove my Blackness, and on another, proving I deserve to be where I’m at or where I am destined to go. But both sides telling anyone that wants to give me shit for being who I am to kiss my butt! Arggg… blood pressure starting to rise again. Anybody go through stuff like this to? Holler back if ya hear me.

Soul Searchin'...

2005-04-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

Again while rollin’ in my car, all these thoughts flow through my head. I wish there was someone on the regular that I could share these bomb ass (or well, at least I think bomb ass ideas with). It’s not really cool to call up a homie at 2am and say “Yo, I got this sweet ass theory on the meaning of life and shit. Wanna hear it?” I’d be lucky if anyone even bothered to pick up the call. Thank goodness for blogs, eh? Yesterday I went to a baby shower for a good friend of mine. These events are always really cool, especially because I get to see some really good friends, mentors, confidants, and heroes all rolled into one. But then again, these events always raise this question for me: do soul mates really exist? Even more so, how do you know where to find one or even if there is one for you? A great deal of my friends are in really healthy relationships… which is swell no doubt, but I can’t help but feel like the odd girl out. Know what I mean? As I am becoming more and more aged, the impending doom of lonesome loserness constantly peers over my shoulder… yikes! I mean in three years I’ll be thirty for goodness sakes… which is both a long time and not such a long time. I have all these sweet ass ideas on what my family life will be like for the future – what a potential mate will be like… what I will do with and for our children. Hell, even my close friends are on the bandwagon of helping me sort out these ideas – my homegirl Ana T. is like “I can’t wait for you to get married. But don’t ask me to be in the wedding party or to speak, because I don’t want the headache.” My friend Tina even has the wedding toast all planned and shit… dayum! Or how my friend Kim with this idea of a dance filled wedding, in which the groom pop locks the ring on my finger – funny, but pretty cool idea, eh? I even have a buddy or two offering free babysitting! One thing is missing though ladies… the chico! Hook me up with that and we can do more planning… hahaha! Bleech… maybe I’m putting too much thought into this… like I’m putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. Or am I just laying down those yellow bricks on my own yellow brick road? Sometimes, I just don’t know… Any thoughts?

My Ambitionz Az a Ridah...

2005-03-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

I’ve been helping a professor on a project to incorporate multiculturalism and the infusion of diversity within our existing curriculum for the past year. It’s a really interesting project, and I am more than willing to put as much energy that I can into it, and I would love to see the day that it fully develops. But I am finding that I am plagued with an issue that I know I will face time and time again in the Public Health arena: How do you get a message to be heard? Our student group had a meeting last night that I was supposed to present this issue to that was slated to go from 5:30pm-6:30pm. Unfortunately, dumb Bay traffic made me hella late, and I didn’t get to campus until about 6:10 or 6:15. “Whew,” I thought, “at least there’s 10 minutes left to share what I have.” But as soon as I got there, the student group was taking off. Huh? Granted I was late, but there was still a good 10 or 15 minutes left for me to discuss what I had. I realize that this topic really needs more than 15 minutes to discuss, but all I was asking for was a start. Ultimately, the program is what we make of it, and I want to make sure that EVERYONE’S voice is heard. Maybe I’m being a bit too sensitive about this, but I gotta say that it was a let down to see people leave as soon as I got there. If I knew someone was coming to share something important, that has the ability to affect my learning and my practice, I would stay. But, I guess it’s just on to plan B. I just don’t want my professor and I to go at this alone. We are thankful that we have some people offering ideas and helping to shape this project, but in my opinion, more work needs to be done. I refuse to give up on this project! “Isms” affect us in so many ways and in so many capacities – be it racism, sexism, classism, ect. The discussions of these topics are never easy, but must be addressed if we ever plan to grow and heal from the sting they leave behind. It’s also important to highlight the positive in these situations as well – finding commonalities in order to help us grow together, but I guess not everyone is on my hype so to speak. Hopefully people we feel me on this one day in all completeness. But like a discussion we had in class a few weeks ago, some folks just aren’t ready for a message right away – it takes for them to experience and fully understand what you’re trying to get across before they finally “get it.” Like I said, I’ll keep trying with this – one minor set back won’t stop me. Again, many thanks to those that are helping with this project and hung around last night– your voices and thoughts will not go unrecognized or unheard.

Lethal Weapon...

2005-03-03T10:36:00.000-08:00

"I'm gettin' too old for this shit." If you watch those Lethal Weapon films, that's always the line Danny Glover says whenever there's some big ass shoot out, explosion, or whatnot.

Gahhhh, so much nonsense lately! It is so frustrating and draining to encounter so many negative and condescending folks. Whatever happened to a little patience? Not shooting the messenger? Last night after class, I made a pit stop at Safeway to pick up some late dinner items. There were only three checkers open, so the lines were pretty lengthy. Anywhos, at the front of the line that I was in, there was this woman bitching and moaning about how the clerk was ringing up her items and how come she couldn't get something that wasn't on sale for a discounted price. The clerk was waaaay polite to her and tried to explain why the item wasn't ringing up at the sale price, but the woman could have cared less. I don't know why people feel that yelling and being an ass towards someone is gonna get their point across. As I stood in line, I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise, because:
a. I felt bad for the clerk that had to work until midnight and this woman chooses to be an inconvenience.
b. It's getting hella late and I still have some homework to do and this lady is holding the line up.
c. I had to go to the bathroom hella bad and this lady is holding the line up!
Even though this woman was like in her 60s, she really needed to grow up. But then again, who knows what kinda of drama and issues may have been going on in her life and whatnot... so I gotta be openminded in that way. However, her behavior was still no excuse.

It's funny how your tolerance can change over the years. How something when you were like 5 or 6 years younger would totally piss you off, but today is not a big deal; or vice versa.

Dayum, I hope that I can still maintain my emotional and mental balance. But if I start pouting and bitching about nonsense when I'm 60 or 70... heaven help me!

Checks and balances...

2005-02-16T23:40:00.000-08:00

Grab a seat and a good snack... lots of mental unloading on the way....

Ay yi yi! So much in the past couple of weeks. Lots of projects at school are intensifying, major preparation for the big show coming up, submission of a progress report... this girl has had her hands full. Ordinarily, I just press on and continue doing what I gotta do. But today, I felt the weight. Physically, I was feeling craptacular... I had a bangin' headache, my back and neck were aching like crazy, and it was all I could do to keep my eyes open while I was doing my desk duty. And it was barely noon! I had to figure out some way to keep it all together, especially since I had class until 10pm later in the evening. Great.
Aside from the physical response as a result of all this stuff I gotta do, there's been quite a bit of emotional and mental strain as well. I've been encountering a lot of situations that cause me to stop, take a step outside of myself and try to see things from another angle. If you haven't done it before, I challenge you to do it. You'll definitely learn a whole a lot about yourself and your beliefs. One example of such an instance was when I was chatting with a classmate of mine about understanding the acculturation process. For a group project, my team is working on developing a program for elderly Russian-speaking newcomers that will encourage them to be physically active. Interesting. A Black woman from East Oakland developing a program for people that have not been in this country no more than 5 years, and I'm gonna try to get them to exercise??? Talk about disconnect city! I told my classmate about how I just couldn't wrap my head around what was asked of me. How I don't know what that adjustment process is like for the people I am trying to help. My friend told me this: Imagine you had to leave the US right away. All you are able to take is one suitcase, and you have to move to... let's say Italy. You don't know the language. You don't know the environment. You don't know the people. But you have no choice but to go. Now imagine that you have two kids with you. Now you have to figure out how to make away for not only yourself, but for others as well. You will do any and everything to make ends meet... bus tables, clean houses... whatever you can do to get by.
Damn, I thought... It's funny how we can empathize with others, but you can never truly know what it is like for that person until you live it. I cannot say that I can still fully understand what the acculturation process is like, but stepping out of my own box is helping me move into another place that I wasn't before.
Another situation I encountered was last week when I was visiting a place I am seeking a summer internship at. It's a cancer resource center for women, and I am looking to do some outreach with the African-American community. Anybody that knows me knows why I am so jazzed about the opportunity to work there... considering that I have far too many encounters with this particular illness. What was funny to me was this: I was waiting in the center's library to meet with the volunteer coordinator, and I swear that no less than three people stopped by to ask me if I needed any help. Man, these folks are hella helpful, I thought to myself. Then I realized: this is a cancer resource center. I am sitting in the library. What if they think I'm ill? When I thought this, I got really scared and almost broke into tears. That thought really shook me. I have seen how this illness can affect people, so I have an outsiders perspective. I know what it's like to experience loss. What it's like to see that person carry on day by day. But I don't know what life is truly like for them.
Like I said, the past few weeks have been pretty heavy. Lots to think about. I'm still all processing, which is difficult... but ultimately for the greater good.
So back to today. After loading up on Moltrin, I was able to carry on, but what has really sent me into high gear is my dialogue and class with a really amazing instructor. For the past semester, I have been working with her on ways to infuse the topic of diversity within our masters of public health curriculum. We discuss the concept of cultural competency and understanding the community, but do we truly know what it is? She brings so much of an empowering perspective... it's contagious! In class, we watched a really powerful film called "You Got To Move"... it's about the Highlander Institute, which was founded during the beginning of the Civil Rights Movement. Essentially, it was a place to help bring social justice to societies that were separate and unequal. I cannot put into words how powerful this film is, but I do recommend that you view it or research about it if you get the chance.
It's funny. What appears to initially be a problem, can turn out into a blessing. What appears to have no end insight may switch into a moment of clarity. Like I said, funny stuff. I guess in the end, we are not rigid and immovable objects that do not have the ability to flex and bend. Ultimately, there is always a fear in change or stepping out of our own shoes. But to have the courage to do so only makes you bigger and stronger. Props for that.

Quick plug for the crew...

2005-02-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, just a quick plug for a performance with the FloMotion crew -- We are participating in the "Dance Mix Exposure" which will feature us, and another awesome group called BodiRock.This is a special presentation by Dance-A-Vision Entertainment and gives new groups an opportunity for some exposure. The event is taking place on Saturday, February 26, 2005 from 7:30pm-9:30pm at the Malonga Casquelourd Center for the Arts at 1428 Alice St., 2nd Floor in Studio "A" -- the phone number for Dance-A-Vision Entertainment is 510-763-5180. Adult tickets are $10 and kids are $5. Also, if you know of any dance groups that are seeking an opportunity to perform, please let me know and I can provide you with the necessary information. All the proceeds go towards keeping the doors of the center open, and to continue to empower youth with the use of art. Hope to see ya there!

V-day... bah humbug!

2005-02-09T10:34:00.000-08:00

Dayum, that day is approaching soon. Yesterday, before leaving work my friend burcugunes told me "Happy Valentines Day." I won't see her for another week or so, so she gave me early wishes. Thanks, that made my day =) I could go on my usual V-day tirade and gripe for all the other lonesome losers out there, but I'll reserve myself... for now at least. Besides, I have class on the night of, so I won't be able to pelt those happy couples with skittles as they cuddle up to one another in the movies. Just kidding... or am I... muhahaha! Anywhos, these holidays are funny to me, well at least how people act on these days. There are some folks that wait until February 14th to tell that special someone that they love them, or show their affection for them by showering them with candies, flowers, and whatnot... actions that can be as shallow as the words associated with them. Or the folks that try to do something extra special for that someone they are interested in, only to get shot down on the day of because that person that is being pined after has made plans with someone else... talk about a stab to the heart and kick to the stomach at the same time! Hopefully, people are not waiting until February 14th to tell either that special someone, friends, and family how they feel. Those little random acts of kindness tend to be a bit more meaningful and heartfelt in a sense, and the recipient will be much more appreciative than you ever expected (or at least they should for goodness sakes!). So, happy "no need for V-day to have a reason I tell you I love and care about you" day to all the folks that are in my little circle -- including family, friends, associates, and new acquaintances. Although I won't turn down any Tiffany boxes, Sees gift certificates, or arrangements by Moe's or Ashby Flowers if you wanna swing some my way. ;)

Dope Quote...

2005-02-04T22:41:00.000-08:00

"It is impossible to teach without the courage to love, without the courage to try a thousand times before giving in. In short, it is impossible to teach without a forged, invented, and well-though-out capacity to love."
Paulo Freire, Teachers as Cultural Workers (1998)

Quirks....

2005-02-01T13:18:00.000-08:00

Been doin' a lot of people watching lately. Just wondering what makes relationships work and whatnot. What attracts people to one another? What makes each other tick? Why is one side in the relationship willing to compromise themselves to give the other the advantage? And I don't just mean the girlfriend/boyfriend or wifey/hubby type... but also amongst friends, family, etc. I know that the little interaction that I do see while people watching is only a taste of what goes on in their lives, but it interesting to watch none the less. For example, I was in the mall the other day milling around and came across one of those cheap calendar vendors. As I was looking, I couldn't help but ear hustle the couple's convo that was going on next to me. Apparently, the hubby picked up a calendar of pug dogs, and his lady goes, "Oh no! I am not looking at those ugly things all year long. Put that back!" Sheepishly, the guy does. Mannnnn! It's not like he picked up a calendar of bikini clad women that he was gonna hang up in the kitchen! Just some frickin' pugs! Puppy pugs at that!!! Like I said, only a small glimpse into their world. But mind you that the guy was also pushing the baby stroller, carrying the baby bag, and wifey's handbag. Bossy wife, or proof that chivalry isn't dead? Hmmm... I kinda think the former.
Ultimately, I wonder what makes a relationship "work." What is overall happiness for those that are involved? What get's compromised in the process? How much is each other willing to take and stand for? Again, not just wifey/hubby stuff, but amongst fam and homies as well. I often time think of my relationships with people as an oasis. Something that you long for dearly or have the ultimate deisre of achieving. But then I wonder, how long should you chase after these oases before you die of thirst?
Any thoughts?

An impossible dream?

2005-01-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

For the past couple of weeks (well, essentially almost everyday) I've been thinking about this. Today is Martin Luther King Jr.'s, and all the hopes and dreams he had for equality and justice still are not reached. To me, it seems like the value of this date lessens each year. That the date only involves a quick history lesson in class, or we get to see the "Freedom Train" run on the news. It seems like we owe people like him a lot more because they did a lot more for us. When I say us, I don't just mean Black people, because his vision and that over many others extended well beyond that. And when I say that we we should do a lot more, I don't mean to decorate your house and have your own history lectures with your family and friends. It's not that easy.
I wonder if the day will ever arrive in which I will be only judged by the content of my character and not the color of my skin. When can I enjoy a day in which I don't get followed around a store? Or be welcome in a friends house (believe it or not, I still know folks whose parents don't like Black people and I have to pick them up somewhere else so they don't see me)? Or be able to say that I went to Cal and not have the follow up response be "Did you graduate?" or "How did you get in? Affirmative Action, right?" I wish I were exaggerating on these examples, but I am not. Not too long ago, someone tried to quiz me on my knowledge of Black history... nice huh? Asking me, What's a Jim Crow Law? Was he real? Does that still exist? But why did it happen? WHAT THE HELL!!!!
This is the stuff I am talking about. I am sure that regardless of your race, creed, or color, you have experienced something like this from one extent to the other. For me, I have to bear in mind that we still have not overcome -- regardless if folks still think so -- because I don't even see much of that promise land that Dr. King talked about. It's in sight, but we got a few more miles to go before we get there. I's important that we don't let their work not only go unrecognized, but to also continue where they weren't able to finish. Hopefully, someday we can wake up from that dream Dr. King had and see it as a reality... someday.

Hip-hop don't stop, be my lifesaver...

2005-01-05T23:04:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I went to class with my friend Jenny, aka Jada or Jen-Rocka. As usual, was tons of fun. Not only because of the dancing, but because I haven't seen this chick in hells a long. We both teach, so we bounce over to the city to take classes together so that we can beef up our skills. Man, it's fun being a student. Learning new techniques and challenging yourself. The class I go to is the best, and it pushes me to do better. It's taught by Alan at Dancer Mission in the City, and he is an amazing dancer and choreographer, and I am happy to call a friend too. Tonight, we did such a fun and energetic routine, I almost forgot I have asthma... almost... haha. I like going to class with a buddy because we can support and help out one another when we get stuck and lost. Don't get me wrong, there are some really cool and helpful folks in class (which doesn't happen often), but then again, there are the cutesy girly cliques that linger. Like in any class, there are always gonna be the girls and guys that come to class as if there is some video or talent scout for Usher waiting downstairs. How some of those girls can dance in full on make-up, tight low-rise jeans, is beyond me. Props for holding it down, but it seems a bit much. I have been watching a lot of videos lately for project at my work, and some of the dancing... hmmm... I wish they could be a bit more creative. You can only get by on gyrating for so long. But oh well, the classes I go to and the dancers I have the opportunity to perform with shows that there is still hope and creativity left.

When the spirit catches you...

2004-12-29T02:33:00.000-08:00

I just read a really good piece on Bill Cosby that was posted on MSN. It's pretty fair and balanced, and I think gives a view on a subject that is long over due, or has been unrecognized to say the least. It's something that I personally deal with on a day to day basis, and I'm sure others may feel the same, from one extent to another. The overarching theme being the concept of "dual personalities" if you will -- trying to play both sides of the fence to gain and/or maintain acceptance by your peers, mentors, and followers. It's funny, a few months ago a cousin of mine came to visit my fam and I. My mom tells him that I am in grad school, working towards a masters in public health. He goes, "That's fine and all, but a man ain't gonna want someone with just book smarts. He's gonna want someone that can cook too." My heart nearly sank into my stomach. What? Sometimes I wonder what peoples perceptions of me are. Especially depending on the environment. If I am amongst those of a more academic and professional setting, maybe they think I'm uneducated, some harlot of a woman with kids all over the place. I'm not exaggerating on this, because this happens. And it Sucks! I mean, just most recently, some mofo on IM responding to a comment I made about not judging a book by it's cover decided to come back with this classy retort -- "I say, don't judge a hook by her corner." Quite classy huh? How is a woman able to keep her head high when she is constantly exposed to commentary like this on a daily basis? Sometimes, I wonder if it is worse when it comes from my own people. I hear a lot of music, and it surprises me how a lot of this stuff gets airplay. I may disagree with Mr. Cosby on a lot of things, but I do agree that our young people should not be exposed to imagery like this -- but not just by video and radio play. A lot of these ideas perpetuated through verse kind of fall into the "chicken before the egg" category. It's too easy in my opinion to blame artist for the music they make. Yes, you can urge them to be more accountable for their actions, but a lot of them are reflecting where they come from. This whole issue that Mr. Cosby sights is much deeper and more personal then we all would like to see, but must be done. Finger pointing and criticizing is not going to make anything better. Some action has to be associated with it. Over the years, I feel that my own identity has been a bit lost or swirled around at the hands of my own advancement. Sometimes I'm not really sure where I fit in, or if I even have to. Just as with everything, the coin has two sides. From my own folks (i.e. family members and community members), some people think that I'm "uppity", White-washed, etc. Again, that doesn't do the esteem any bit of good. Again, how come? I guess the answers to life's questions will never come easy, huh? But I'll be damned if I don't try to figure it out -- for others, if not my own sake.

Internal documents...

2004-12-28T03:20:00.000-08:00

Lately, my head has been clouded with so many thoughts. Some good, some bad. Some positive, some negative. Some happy, some sad. Well, you get my drift. I really don't want to say this, but... I can't wait until winter break is over! =( This is supposed to be vacation and what am I doing? Still working. No friends are or will not be around for the next month or so. And now I got this cold. Beautiful, huh? I have been thinking about a few resolutions and goals here and there, which has caused me to do a lot of soul searching, ultimately leading to a greater good. I was reflecting back on some blog entries from this year -- mannn, I hope that 2005 will be better. It's funny how the holidays are a time of joy and laughter, yet can evoke feelings of sadness and loneliness. Lately, I'm kind of feeling more of the latter. But I will build myself up soon, I have faith in that. I'm still compiling my list so that I will have a frame on how to make "good, better." I don't know if this list will be the answer, but why not, eh?

Universal language...

2004-12-21T17:22:00.000-08:00

Love is a word that gets lost in translation...Easy to repeat to yourself over and over again...But when the time comes to say it, it can't get past the mountain of a lump that builds in your throat...Remember to tell those that are close to you how much you love them...Even if the translation is incorrect, they still understand what your saying...

Virtural Reality...

2004-12-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

I took a Greek Athletics class during my first year of college -- bio major combined with sports makes an interesting mix, huh? But I digress. One of the major themes of the class was a concept called Arete (with an accent on the last 'e'). Basically, it regards a persons virtue -- their strength, courage, and ability to carry on. This concept came back to me this weekend for some reason. I guess because of the dance performances that I saw this past Saturday -- including ours. When I see the crew, I am so amazed and proud of what they can do. If you see their faces and their energy -- you'll notice how focused and driven they are to share their talent and skills with so many people. Amazing. I love those guys, and not just for their talents but because of their awesome personalities -- they know what it means to be a team player and to support everyone in what they do. We need more folks like that.
So today, I began to think more about my own 'Arete.' Like, how do I begin to highlight that more? But more importantly, what the hell is it?!?! Perhaps it comes from the various models that I have encountered in my life -- both good and bad. Ultimately, from those that give of themselves altruistically. They are genuine in their actions, and despite how people may or may not receive them, they still carry on. How cool is that?
Carla Service (the woman quoted in the last entry) has been sick for the past couple of months. She told me that despite how horrible she may be feeling, when she sees her dance students and feels the energy that they give off, she can't help but want to move. This showed during her solo performance on Saturday night. She was so tired and literally lost her voice, but from the way she was moving and the energy that she gave off, you couldn't even tell. I admire that. When people are willing to give of themselves unselfishly, that is truly a rare find. Yeah, an 'Arete' like that is pretty damn cool.

Quote of the night...

2004-12-18T23:28:00.000-08:00

A quote from a woman I see as a mentor and a phenomenal woman:

"Be the change that you want to see."
-Carla Service

I'll expound on this greatness soon, and with pictures!

Spent...

2004-12-13T09:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I attended the memorial service for a friend. It's sad, because the last time I saw her was at the memorial service for another friend about a year prior. As I was preparing to get out of my car, I scrounging around for Kleenex, but only had a few. I just had to fill up my pockets with the various fast food establishment napkins I could find. I can be such a tear drop waterfall during times like these, and I needed all the security I could find. As I was walking, I could slowly feel my eyes water and my throat dry. "Ahhh, here we go" I thought. Before I could say hi to anyone, bucket-o-tears city. But I held it, until I saw the artwork. My friend was a self taught artist, and she had such beautiful pieces. Tons of self-portraits, but the most striking were the ones that showed her progression through her illness. How do you muster the courage and strength to do that? Again, eyes watering and burning, throat beginning to close. As I walked around, I saw people that I knew, and people that I didn't. Every once and a while, people putting these pained smiles on their faces. As if they still want to convey to you that they are hurt, yet offer a smile to show that things will be better and that everything is ok. After I placed my items at her altar, I sat down and soon some of my SLC family arrive. One of my instructors was there too and gave me like the sturdiest hug ever. I think we both needed that. When I saw one of my friends, tears began rolling down my cheeks. But it was ok, because her eyes began to redden too. I am still trying to process all of this. But I am not sure if it will ever make sense to me. When people pass away, I don't know how others are able to celebrate that person's life so quickly... while it is still so new. I can see how it is a healing process, I mean, I can experience it down the line. But right at the moment, it blows my mind how strong people can be with situations like these. I am still in the process mode... but I am happy to say that I knew my friend. And that she was a great spirit that will always be with me. =)

2004-12-04T01:21:00.000-08:00

Stupid/Good stuff...

Favorite lyric of the moment:
Usher -- "Simple Things"
You better look outI hear you talkin', i hear you talkin' (ha)But what are you sayingOh hoo oh hoooDon't be a foolYou got a good thingMan are you blindStupid or crazy?You got a good thing (uh)You got a good thingIf that's your ladyYou better hold onAnd give her what she wantBefore she move onMan I tell you cars, clothes, and fancy things don't mean a damn thingIf you ain't kickin it baby

So true... not just about relationships, but a lot of things in general. It's funny how when I was studying social theory and behavior in undergrad, I used to be like "OHHHH MY GODDDD! This is soooo boring! What am I gonna use this crap for anyways?" I'm glad I didn't fall asleep too much in class and skimmed the right parts of my books. Lately, been doing a lot of mental gymnastics, mainly about why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do. Well, not just other people, but myself included. It's funny how the simplest things can make someone's day. The other day, I was in Berkeley getting ready to meet the East Bay Mafia to work on our power point presentation (Yikes! Less than two weeks away!), and I popped into Starbucks to get my daily crack fix... err, venti coffee. I was at the little counter trying to jazz up my drink with sugar and whatnot, but my stupid lid slid off the counter and into the trash. Damn, my luck I guess. It was a nothing really, just a slight inconvenience. I mean, I had no problem asking for another. However, a guy next to me goes, "Oh, looks like you lost your lid huh?" "Yah, I did. It was so weird how it flew away from me. I'll ask for another," I replied. The man walks away. I hear in the background, "Excuse me, my friend over there lost her lid. Can I get another on?" This guy I did not know from Adam, let alone ask to do this willingly did this. It's funny/sad how these little actions become less of the norm. I see so many jaded people and I wonder, "Man, is there anything that makes you happy?" As time as gone on, I find my self reflecting more and more on the teachings that I learned from mentors, teachers, and loved ones. I remember on the first day of a public health class, my mentor Prof. Griego told the class, "Cal is gonna make you sick." Huh? I had no clue as to what that meant. Like a month into my time there, I realized what he meant. All the stress I was under, both by my own will and not, I DID get sick. I say that to say this, not to forget all the great words of wisdom you encountered through life. Also, be genuine in your actions to others, because the rewards will be greater than you ever imagined. After the man at Starbucks got me the lid, I thanked him, and he walked away. As I walked down Center St., I saw the man drive away and he waved and smiled at me again. Thank you again sir, wherever you are. =)

Talkin' ish!

2004-11-20T01:18:00.000-08:00

Yeap Yeap! This girl continues to be a work in progress. One element that I continue to work on is my confidence and personality. I look back on how I was as a teen, hell even a few years ago, and I must say that I have progressed. I mean, I remember when I had a hard time looking people in the eye, or that I held my head down so much you'd swear I was looking for money on the ground. Good stuff, I tell ya, good stuff!
I'm gonna blog more about my Positive Mental Attitude (PMA for short -- thanks Amanda for the term!). But I had to write about this first... talkin' ish! When you're around good friends, this is so much fun and such a release. It's a good thing when you are in that comfort zone with friends that you can joke about anything. Well, I guess not only focusing on the concept of talkin' ish, but also just remembering to laugh, even at yourself! I was hangin out with a few of the 2007 cohort and we were just bustin' a gut about random stuff. I'm finding more and more that it is important to have a balance -- between professionalism and silliness, happiness and tears, pain and laughter. Other wise, life just passes you by. I don't want that to happen. Like Kathy said, I don't want an "angry crease" in the middle of my forehead because I frown so much.
But back to talkin' ish, Big Game Week!! Oh yeah!!!! Is it just me, or does the $tanfurd tree's eyes look like saggy boobs? GO BEARS!

Keep Moshing on!

2004-11-03T22:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I had a big knot in stomach about this whole election thing. I took my friend Ana to go vote, and jokingly she said that she was gonna change this year and vote Republican. Knowing Ana, I knew that this was clearly a joke... right? At lunch, we both were saying that we were hoping that that evening would not turn out to be like 2000. In my opinion, it seems like it turned out a whole lot worse. I went to sleep hoping that Ohio would come to their senses and swing into the Kerry direction. But this morning, I found that such was not the case. Kerry conceded and we have four more years of Bush. I was thinking, "How could Kerry take a knee during a time like this?!?! He is sooo letting us down!" I went to work, and I swear it seemed like someone must have died. Everyone has already gotten a mental picture of how tough our fight(s) are going to be for the next couple of years. What went wrong? What just happened here? I've heard countless stories of how people were still apathetic about voting, or in extreme cases, how staunch Dems decided to supporter Bush. Huh? Am I dreaming??? On my way to work a few days prior, I saw a few pseudo-liberal banners hanging from overpasses. One said "Make Love, Not War." But as I got closer, it read Bush '04. Wow.
All day long, I was chatting with folks about this. It couldn't help but come up in conversation, as this affects us all on so many levels... personally, professionally, academically, etc. Initially I was thinking, "Damn, we are all screwed. Please get me on the fastest flight to Canada." I mean, we have a Republican president, a Republican majority Senate, and if you are so fortunate, a Republican governor. A situation that seems insurmountable. But one of my chat buddies told me something pretty poignant. That it's just more of a time for us to dig in and not run. I like that. We still must battle on, but as Dems, we really need to get our act together. It's time to do like the Transformers and create our own Megatron.
Tonight in class, we went around the room talking about how the election affected us and our practicum. All day, I have been going through a myriad of emotions, but this discussion made me pissed. This weekend, I saw a story on "60 Minutes" about soldiers that are not adequately protected. Many are asking their family to send them bullet proof vest and helmets to protect them as they fight, as they are not provided these items. Or that they have to patch up their vehicles with ply wood as they fight in high risk areas. It boggles my mind. I cannot help but to think about how some of my friends and family are fighting in this war. And for what? And I cannot help but think about the countless families that are affected by all of the death and injury as a result. It just really pisses me off. I told my friend John that all those folks that supported Bush, they should be responsible for his dirty work and clean up. Let them explain to some soldier's family how come he's not coming home for Christmas, or ever because he has to fight or died in this war. Or explain to this family how they are going to have to deal with their son's or daughter's mental, emotional, and physical injuries. Let them tell some single mom that she is about to get kicked out of her house. Or that a father that is trying to provide for his family that he is going to lose his job, as a result of budget cuts. Of all the sucky things that have resulted from this election, I hope that those that caused it are prepared to swallow. Sorry for the harsh analogy, but that's how much of a travesty and how nasty this is.
Republicans have the nation on lock, seriously. In policy class, we were talking about following the paper trail. Who's funding who and why. The actions of pharmaceutical companies are almost as bad as the tobacco industry. We talked about how a major company (Pfizer) sponsored various events during the Republican National Convention. How they flew Gov. Terminator to NY so that he could deliver his speech. And you wondered why the low cost prescription drug initiative died here, eh? Did you know that for every dollar the Kerry campaigning got from pharmaceutical companies, Bush got two? Tonight, John also told us how the military is looking for 40,000 civilians to provide services that are needed to win the war. Guess what one of these needs are? Public Health professionals. I'll be damned. Why do I have to fight for something I didn't ask for? Where is the democracy in that? One things is for certain, this is not a time for Dems to cower in a corner and apply that "I'm just a housewife" mentality, as our teacher Roma would say. In other word, no more excuses! We gotta fight like never before. It's time that we get our acts together and take back what is ours: our rights, our voices, our futures, our lives!

This or that...

2004-10-29T23:32:00.000-07:00

If you had to go to one side...
Yes or no...
This or that...
What would you choose?
Heartbreak from true love, or the 'what ifs' that linger from a crush that has never faded
A person that remembers their past, or one that keeps an eye on the future
A person with a life of struggle and pain, or someone who has lived with ease and bliss
If you had to choose...
No ifs, ands, or buts...
Which would you take?
The joy and happiness that stems from imagination and creativity, or the stability of reality and fact
The beauty and serenity of art and movement, or the complexity and amazement of thought
If you had to be certain in your choice...
And could not toe the line...
Which side would you fall?
To live for yourself, or live for others
Hold hands with those that are behind, or follow in the footsteps of those that are ahead
Appreciate what is here now, or rely on memories when it's gone
For these questions, the answers are tough to find...
Just as with life...
Just as with love...
Or any other journey we encounter...
But ultimately, the choice is yours

How 'bout I show you the back of my hand?!?!

2004-10-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

Props to my Taiwanese twin sister Cin-yee for that one. (An inside joke I'll explain in the next post).

An omen should have been the long ass line at Starbucks that kept me from getting my morning crack, and the old lady driver on the cell phone that was inching along in front of me, which made me late for work. It also doesn't help that my braces are very abrasive today for some reason and the wires are poking out again. Woohoo!

Today, I could feel myself becoming ill from stress, which is not good. I was gonna wait to write about glass ceilings until after tomorrow, but it can't wait. I'll just put up a part two to all of this next time.

Gah! There are so many -isms in this world, but when you are a vic of multiple ones, that gives Goliath an extra 10 foot advantage on you. I'm finding more and more in my work a high amount of glass ceilings that I thought wouldn't be where they were, and that a lot of allies have turned out to be enemies actually. Oasises that turn out to be crap.

Today, there was a miscommunication that was made between myself and another rep from a different department. A colleague got into the mix, and things just fell apart. All day long, she keeps mentioning to my boss the error that was made (mind you a miscommunication) and how it seemed like the world was gonna come to an end because of it, all at the hands of me (well, at least that's how I felt). Great. I do my best to fix the misunderstanding, but it still doesn't seem like it did any good. I spent 3 freakin' hours doing clean-up, only to get this backhanded comment: "Gosh KB, you seem like you have so much on your plate. Work and school. You must be stressed." Nice. I really feel the sincerity there. Tomorrow, I'm taking a sick day, because I really don't feel well.

Instances like these further helps me to recognize the -isms that I get hit in the face with everyday. I'm not gonna dwell on the racial and ethnic difference, because that's too obvious. Unless I pull a Michael Jackson, I just gotta work it out as best as I can. What sucks is that often I get confronted with the gender, age, and "intellectually" related barriers. I say "intellectual" because smarts should not always just be noted by the degrees you have, or the amount of time you spent in school, but life skills as well. How you interact with people in general. It all just amazes me, which I really try to avoid dwelling on. But when you're constantly confronted by it, It's not easy to overcome. I mean, I'm one of the youngest folks in my cohort, and the job I do requires an employee with a masters level (I've had this job almost a year and half, and things are coming along fine), so you can just kind of get a glimpse at such instances that may arise, bearing in mind that I've spared you the racial and ethnic examples to boot. Believe me, I'm doing you and myself an emotional favor.

A mentor once told me to pick your battles wisely when you are treated unfairly. Which is so true. But sometimes I think, how many times do I have to lay down and play dead? How is that going to wrong a right? With getting a fat dose of -isms that muck up the situation, it's not easy to pick apart the ammo used in the attack. Case in point, a few years ago I was helping a student write her thesis. A few months rolled by, and I saw her and her family at a restaurant. She wound up getting an A on her project and she couldn't wait to introduce me to her husband:
My student: "Honey, here is my tutor I was talking to you about."
Husband: "Oh really? Where?!?!" (mind you, he turned around with a smile. After my student pointed at me, this is what I got)
Husband: (Dead pan expression) "Interesting." (Turns to make some weird ass eye contact with his brother).
My student: mouthing the words "I'm so sorry."
Yay! Ok, how would you take some crap like that? I felt like my student didn't need to feel sorry that her husband was an asshole, but I digress. How would you respond to something like that?

I'm often very charged about my area of study and what I want to do, but shitty experiences like these make me highly cautious (which I'm not sure is good or bad). I can only imagine what life while be like when I get my doctorate. Well, at least there is dance to relieve stress, and the resort of my car to blast music in as a putter around. Someday, I shall overcome.

I'm in love...

2004-10-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm in love...

With the b-boi
freeze poses, air chairs, and flares
no missed timing and top rocks
back spins and gliding
the love of my life can spin on his elbow for an eternity
strength, skill, and passion all rolled into one
gotta love this jewel as there is no other
I'm in love with the b-boi

I'm in love...
With time
some times it takes advantage of me, but so do I
we have an understanding like that
sometimes I forget it exist, but it always reminds me that it is ever present and immanent
time and I have so many memories, and I can call on it to brighten my day
sometimes, time makes me sad, because it cuts away at me like a knife
but time also has the ability to heal all wounds
the scare might be there to remind us of what happened, but the healing shows us there's hope
I'm in love with time

I'm in love...
With thought
it keeps me grounded
allows me to reflect and create without passing judgment
It gives me hope and strength
A glimpse at what's to come
I'm in love with thought

Breathe, stretch, shake...

2004-10-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

Today has been a looooong day. I think the weather is reflective of my mood right now. Wet and cold. Very fitting. Some random thoughts have been floating through my hand, sorta spawned by a convo I had with TK last week, but even more so, just thoughts that tend to pop in my head as I'm driving. We were talking about the influences our grandparents had in our lives when we were younger. How families that have hardships and whatnot have grandma fix everything. Like how they were the ones to take us to school, to teach us to read, taught us about life. Where's mommie? Where's daddy? Obviously, certain situations arise that are very difficult to overcome, and you just have to swallow it, no matter how bitter the pill tastes. But I have to take this a step further, in terms of how life is for myself at least, considering that my grandma is gone and I have my mom to look out for. I've noticed this with quite a few friends of mine (which is comforting, as it's helpful to talk to someone who understands). Often times, I feel so lost because not everyone understands what this is like. As children, we noted the social support network relationship between our moms and grandmas, and as we get older, we tend to model that as well. The cycle continues. Sometimes, I have to highlight the beauty in this because it causes you to respect and remember the importance of family values and such. However, sometimes I wonder what I am missing out on. Life in general. It would be nice one day, just to take off a year to just travel and live life. But then you feel a bit guilty because you know that someone needs you. Ah crud. Such a messy space. I find myself doing things to remember the good times I had with my grandma, or these ideas will just pop up when I see random people interacting with one another. Like Monday, I saw a woman helping a kid learn how to ride a bike. I remembered how my bro taught me, and that everyday, my grandma would sit outside and watch me roll up and down the street as she gardened, with my sister in tow. Or in Starbucks, I decided to be a little rebellious and put some nutmeg in my coffee. I remembered that smell oh so vividly, as it reminded me of the holidays when my grandma and mom would make desserts and they would use nutmeg in the egg custard and sweet potato pies. Mmmm! I miss that. I spoke to my teacher last week about some random life issues that I am having right now. I just feel so lost and that I can't connect with anyone. Such a funny place. She told me that it may be related to the fact that I am still grieving. I don't know if we ever really heal from these things. I guess the T in this is to remember all the good stuff that happened to kind of get you through it. And if putting a little nutmeg in your coffee in the morning does it for you, so be it.

Sing like no one is listening -- Dance like no one is watching...

2004-10-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

Song of the moment: Mario - "Let Me Love You"

It's funny how certain songs have the ability to evoke emotions. I finally downloaded enough new music to make a new CD for class, which was definitely needed. I was getting a bit tired of the other ones, and needed a new bolt of energy, but I digress. Class last night made me feel good for a change. Where I teach dance is kind of hit or miss -- usually classes in gyms don't fly because people primarily come for the weights and machines. I don't usually see too many muscle-bound folks eager to get their groove on, so you can imagine the difficulty. When folks don't come, I get a bit discouraged because dancing is so rewarding to me, and sharing with others that appreciate it makes it even more so. Last week, Dee-ray, my sister and I were the only ones there. But last night, some folks came through and we had a lot of fun. The regulars that come are great and I am so happy they stick it out with me. One of them goes "I sooooo needed this class this week. If my sister wasn't so sick last Tuesday, I would have come. I hate that I missed it." Damn. Much love and respect for that :) I guess if I only get one person that comes to dance, it's fine. Just knowing that it brightens someone's day (including mine) is enough for me.

I ain't lyin...

2004-10-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

This site is called random ponderences for a reason...

Friday, my practicum team and I went to the City to work on our project. While walking to the car, some woman on the corner was yelling in Chinese, but when she saw me, she said in English "Fuckin Black people mess up everything!" Then she pointed at me! WTF!!! I didn't even know this woman and she yellin shit at me?!?! What the hell. That screwed with my brain much more than they thought. Ignorance shows no bounds, despite a person's race, creed, or color... so to lump all folks into one shitty category is absolutely senseless. Someday folks will get the message on this... I hope at least.

Part deux of Kat's day of race relations was on BART. Several Black kids got on the train, I guess they had returned from a field trip or something, and where laughing and carrying on. A bit loud but they were moving along and not bothering folks. Man, if stares could kill. So many people where looking at them in disgust and making all these sour ass faces (almost as bad as Bush during the Debate). Then some dude gave me the "you're Black too! Handle your people!" glare. I'm sure you gotten a stare like this as well, so you may know what I mean. You can kinda get a sense of this when the person is seeking folks in the area that look like the "troublemakers" , then you get the eye brow lifts, the smirks and whatnot. Great. I love being the Queen of an entire race. I am so not worthy.

On a lighter note, I hung out with my "family." Melanie came over on Friday and we laughed about childhood punishment, then jumped Tasha. Perhaps displaced anger seeking a release, but that was hella fun. Even if at Tash's expense... J/K.

Hung out with Bulli yesterday (Happy Birfday!!!), then saw Monkey (who keeps poking my lovehandles like I'm Miss Pillsbury... punk!) and Ken (who I beat up on as well). Those guys are like my little brothers.

It's funny how much of a mix my "family" are. Everyone at my house is welcome and call my mom "Momma" as well. Dang, I remember when I was a kid, we used to go to various cultural events in Oakland. My grandma used to tell us how it's important to respect people despite their differences and to appreciate diversity. Damn, I guess some people in society weren't as fortunate to get such teaching.

Shizer!

2004-10-07T14:49:00.000-07:00

Today was a culmination of my life: a complete mess... bleech! I was supposed to go to an important meeting in the City that was slated for 9:15am, but guess what time I wake up... 9:45am!!! My stupid alarm didn't go off and I overslept. With a fat mix of insomnia and worry, when I finally was able to sleep, I slept too much. Dammit! Soooo, I jump outta bed, wash my face and do some emergency teeth cleaning (i.e. swish around some mouthwash... I know, steer clear huh), then bounce. Three-wheel motion over to the City (thanx ma for the ride) and run to the meeting. Fortunately I didn't miss much, but still... sux to be off schedule.
I soo wish things were better. That's it, I need a vacation. Oh yeah, there is that issue about a buddy, money, and time. Damn. I wish I were rich, then I could fix everything. But I work in public health, so I dunno if that'll happen. Crud. Well, here are my options:
Find a sugar daddy to pay for all my shit... how sweet will that be?
Or tennis shoe pimp... yeap, call me Miss International... haha.
Well, at least I keep my head up, despite how shitty things get. That's a saving grace.

Are we there yet?

2004-10-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

I need to invest in a map. I can get lost so easily on the road it’s ridiculous at times. Even if I print out the little Yahoo! Or MapQuest thig-a-majigs (not to say that these are reliable either) I get lost. But this is the time when different ideas began or finish flowing through my head. Random ponderences if you will. Like, how am I gonna handle a work related situation on Monday? What happened to Power 92.7? How did I get to the point where I am? Etc., etc. I went to study group today with some of my cohortmates (Banagan, Ingrid, and Kathy) to study for a Health Policy midterm that’s tomorrow. Despite discussing the chain of command in politics, how bills become laws, all that bureaucratic talk, side thoughts would pop into my head. Although we were in group study, I was day dreaming here and there, with a little people watching mixed in too. I was thinking, “damn, when I was a kid, or even a teen, did I even conceive I would be where I am right now?” Probably not even as soon as last year. I remember when I was 12, I was like I’m gonna be just like my mom and have my first born when I’m 20 and my second by 25. Ha! We see where that has gone, considering how much of a “Lonesome Loser” I am. J/K, but I digress. I also thought that I would finish undergrad in 4 years, med school in 4 years, and have my own practice as a pediatrician in Oakland that served underprivileged communities. I also briefly had an idea of going into forensic science, but you need something called a stomach for that Damn, I was ambitious. When your younger, I guess you have it all planned out. I’m gonna get married, have 2.5 children, be a doctor/lawyer, have a picket fence, a dog, etc., etc. It’s funny how life doesn’t always have the path that you want, but ultimately it can take you to where you are intending to go. Like with my homie Jason T. from undergrad. When we were in BSP, he always knew that he wanted to become a doctor. He did quite a few of his pre-reqs and whatnot, but then the business bug bit him. Off to Haas to learn the tricks of the trade, and this is pretty much where we lost contact. Somehow we connected up about a year after graduation, and he told me how he learned the hard way that biz wasn’t for him. Although he was quite successful in it, it was too cut throat, so he decided to return to his initial focus: medicine. Now he’s in med school and planning to marry next year. Wow! Sometimes the idea that I have for life becomes clear, but then I think I either spill coffee on the map or it flies out the window, because something will come up that you totally don’t expect and you just gotta rely on your instinct to get back on course. Some day, it’ll be nice to have a family and have my kids experience the things that I didn’t get the opportunity to as a kid. Like to travel and whatnot. Just to see what is out there. I’ll just make sure their dad drives, cuz if I do we’ll probably never get to where we need to go.

Routine

2004-09-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

It's funny how life is filled with so many regimented actions. Wake up, wash your face, brush your teeth, get dressed, go to work, blah blah blah. Today, I just got a sense of deja vu I guess because I realized all the little actions I do when traveling to work. Stop by Starbucks in Emeryville to get my fix, pass by the Marina on my way to the 80 and see all the pervos crawling out of bushes or banked against the water, park in the office lot, say hi to the folks in the office, place my coat on my chair and log on to the comp. As you can see, no exciting feats here. Routine can be comfortable but a boring at times. Maybe I'll be radical and run around the office screaming, but a.) our office is so empty, it probably won't matter; and b.) it's a public health office, they'll probably call mental health to commit me. Either way, I'll at least get to let off some steam.

Arggggggggg!!!!

2004-09-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm not happy right now. I was looking forward to gettin' my groove on last night, but all of my kick it plans got nixed because at the last minute, folks couldn't make it. Sucks man. Considering the year, week, and day I have had, tonight was going to make things all good, at least for a couple of hours. I remember when I was a kid, my brother would always say, don't get your hopes to high. Each year, there was always talk about going to Disneyland, so every summer I would get all juiced about going, only to have them crash and burn. Every damn year!!!! I know, I know, with the circumstances the way they were, it was pretty clear why things fell through. However, it still sucked. Tonight brought back shades of that. Sometimes, whatever and how ever you are able to do it, getting away is cleansing for the spirit and the soul. I guess that's why I like to write so much. It removes me from shit for even a minute or two. Well, at least I got to beat up on my CO brothers this afternoon. In particular Monkey and Kin (who better come up off of my watch and unass those wheels too). Well, I guess I will spend my evening like every other evening this past year. Channel surfing and hoping that at least one person will pop up on AIM. Yay.

Good 'Ol UC!!!

2004-09-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

One more for the road. When it rains, it pours.

Dusted and Disgusted...

2004-09-23T18:15:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, hella posts today, but when shit hits you, you gotta let it out (Ok, take that how ever you want).
CRUSHES SUCK!!!! Lately I have been getting stuck in tons of traffic (which pisses me off) and then for some reason I begin to think about other shit that pisses me off even more (which doesn't do the BP to good, so go figure). Anywhos, there have been many a guy that have come along that I have had some sort of interest in, only to get crushed. Maybe that is the basis of the term. People think, "Oh, how cute! So-and-so has a crush on so-and-so! Awwwww!" Don't get ahead of yourself. I'm finding that the term means, "So-and-so is gonna shred so-and-so's heart to all hell!!! Girl/Boy, don't fall for it!!!" I remember one time I was gonna state my feelings to a crush from undergrad, but got cold feet. It was a friend (well, my only friend essentially at that time) and I didn't want to ruin things. The next time I had feelings for someone, I did say something and got dissed. That did my self-esteem some good. I'll definitely have to think twice about doing something like that again. I'd probably sooner gauge my eyes out with a rusty fork first. Well, probably not to that extent, but you get my point. It's weird. They say that "nothing ventured is nothing gained," so I guess you never know unless you try. However, it's best to be prepared for the crash and burn (which means get all the girls/guys on standby, load up on the tissues, and get ready to eat up the entire fridge or drink up the entire bar to drown your sorrows). What makes things worse I guess is if you never try at all, because then you begin to think of what could have been and that tends to bring up shitty feelings (hence my pissed off mode while being stuck in traffic -- too busy thinking about the what ifs. Grrrrrrrr!). Well, any thoughts? I'm all ears.

The X-factor...

2004-09-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was watching the biography of Bernie Mac on A&E. There is always the saying that the funniest, most talented people have the most tragic and challenging backgrounds. It was amazing to see how he struggled to make it to where he is today and can be so grounded despite his success. Last night, I developed a whole new respect for him and here is why. I don't think many people either respect and/or understand old school child rearing. With so many fractured families, this type of environment is quite common. The role of grandma and grandpa are not just occasional holiday visits. They live with you. They bring a whole new perspective on life, and what it all means. It's weird at times. I feel like I am in a totally different generation or something. Like an old lady trapped in the body of a 26 year old. Which is good I guess, as remembering your purpose and value is always important, and if you don't respect yourself, no one else will. I'm finding old souls are the best souls. They are the most genuine and honest in many aspects. One poignant clip from last night was when Bernie was talking about a birthday he had as a kid and that his dad promised to come for, but was late. The same day, Bernie got like $15.00 in birthday money. Much later, his dad did arrive, but he had some lame excuse about how how his car died and he needed exactly $15.00 to get it fixed. So his dad took his birthday money without a flinch. However, Bernie's grandma chased the dad down the street, hit him with a frying pan, and took the money back. Why does this sound and feel so familiar? I'm not going to turn this into a blitz on non-existent fathers, because the pain that gets inflicted is pretty obvious. Well, not just fathers, but from anyone that you had hopes and admiration for, but did not deliver. That hurt is like no other, and I am not sure that it will ever go away. Fortunately, there are situations that have people to pick up the slack. Thank God for them.

2004-09-23T01:29:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite political cartoons. Sad that this could actually be a scenario of the dullard.

Old School...

2004-09-21T01:50:00.000-07:00

Another case of the Mondays. A pile of work on my desk that I'm not sure will ever disappear. Organized clutter here and there. Phone calls and e-mails up the wazoo! Bleech! Calgon, take me away!!! Since I can't wash all my troubles down the drain, what do I resort to? Nothing but good old Jr. High School humor... it's the best! Remember how much you laughed when one of your friends did our said something that was off the hook, and every time you saw them you couldn't help but to burst into laughter? I soo needed to have that kinda fun today and that's what I got.
For lunch, my boss wanted to meet with our evaluator (aka my potna in crime) Ana TJ. So I call her earlier in the day to see if she was down. Of course she puts on the "why are you wasting my time" tone... classic. I then offer to come and pick her up so that we could meet our boss near UCB, but how does she end the convo? "Come pick me up biotch!" Classic. So I pick her up and all the way there, we talk shit to each other back in forth... just like sisters I guess. You gotta love it.
Amidst all the shit I had to do at work, I still managed to slack a bit. Watched some Chappelle show clips. Got some IM Def Comedy Jam from TK, Shawn, and Banagan. Yeap, I'm such a diligent worker.
After work, my day doesn't end... time to cross the bridge to class. I pick up Banagan from Ashby BART and we shoot the breeze and whatnot. But what does homie do as soon as we get to the Daly City interchange? Falls the hell asleep. Gotta fix that fast, so I pop in a CD my brother made for me with some old school cuts on it. I blast "Eye of the Tiger" hella loud and we start shadow boxing in the car. Gotta get some energy fast before we head to policy class. Banagan says that I should play it hella loud as he runs through campus, a la Rocky Balboa. Yeap, I can see that. Patriotic shorts, raw eggs and all. Funny stuff.
So we go to lecture. I scan the room watching people looking into la la land, but feigning the "I'm paying attention look." Of course I look towards folks I can get a quick laugh out of just to wake up a bit. The subject area of this class is interesting, but on a Monday night, soooo tiring.
Class ends, and woohoo, time to cross the Bay and go home. Before hitting the bridge, I give Mylinksi a lift to her car (lazy bum) and blast "Eye the Tiger" again. That's my theme for the semester I guess. Somehow, me and Banagan get on the topic of old school video games, with one of the favs being "Street Fighter." I tell him that in Jr. high school, there was this one boy people would call Dhalsim, because he was hella skinny and tall. Every time he would some into the room, fools would say: "oooga flame! oooga fire!" As my grandma would say, "it's laughable, but not funny." Who am I kiddin', that shit used to be hella funny!
The humor today had me feeling all nostalgic. Junior high is usually marked by awkward transitions from childhood to adolescence, but that time was pretty fun. I miss laughing at nonsense. Kickin' it on the quad. Passing notes in class. All that good stuff. With as whack as things tend to be here and there, it's refreshing to be dorky and not give a shit about what others think. Trust me, it helps!

Black girl: Reloaded.

2004-09-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

Who am I?
I spend a lot time solo (by choice and not). Rolling in my car is when a lot of my thoughts come into play. For the past couple of weeks, I've been in kind of a funky mood, as a result of random nonsense and whatnot. Just haven't been feeling comfortable in my own skin, know what I mean? Today, something hit me like a ton of bricks, as to why I'm not feeling so great. This prompted me to do an inventory of myself, so here goes nothing:

Sometimes I feel so invisible. It's weird how I can get lost in a crowd. The said part is that I recognize it, and that just causes me to clam up more and give up on making any attempt to get noticed. Not really a good response mechanism, but not really controllable. It just happens. From a girl that has been teased essentially all of her life, it's easy to see how this can happen. If you haven't been teased, trust me, that shit does scar you for life.
I have made changes over time. I'm in the process of losing the weight I gained in college. Kinda muscley now, with a little soft filling left over (more to love I guess!). Got braces to straighten out those little imperfections here and there. I tell some of my cohortmates, I'm trying to became the hottest MPHer around. Eye candy and knowledge... a deadly combo.
Aside from physical stuff, I began to analyze my emotional and mental state. Self-diagnosis. And after I met with my advisor about my project, I have some to this conclusion: Black women have a culture of their own, but it sucks how it gets disregarded. I began to think about all the women in my family, but mainly about my grandma and mom, and what attributes I received from them, and this is what I have learned (well, about myself at least). I've gotten very good at concealing my negative emotions. Even if a person pisses me off to the nth degree, breaks my heart, kills my spirit, or stress me out, I hide it. A lot of black women I find do this as a defensive mechanism, to cut down on any worry and pity from others. There is an idea that Black women are the glue that hold families together, and being weak is unaccepted in most instances. I remember when I was a kid, my grandma used to say that there was no such thing as man's or woman's work, because you never know when you'll have to be alone. I still don't know how both she and my mom were able to raised multiple children alone. Thank God for social networking.
I also learned that I cannot take a compliment. My advisor is trying to boost my confidence in my abilities and such, but it's hard. In Jr. high and high school, I remember kids saying dumb ass shit to me when I would get good grades and awards for certain activities. That I was trying to be "White" (which I still don't quite understand. So is being complacent being "Black?" Like I said, I don't get it.). But when I got to college, people didn't give a shit of how hot you were. Talk about tailspin. Sometimes I feel like I have to play both sides, but I lose a bit of myself in the process. The idea of staying grounded and remembering who I am and where I came from, and who is still there, to continuing on, and playing the game so that I can get ahead. I guess that's why I pile so much on my plate. Sometimes, I feel like not only am I representing for myself, but for my family and the people that invested in me to continue. There is also the weight of all the generations before that did not have the opportunity to succeed (either because of the climate of the society they grew up in -- segregation or lynching), all the poor people that were left back, and just all the Black people that didn't have a chance. This weight breaks me at times, but I still press on. I overhear people saying negative shit about my abilities and why I do so much, but if they walked a minute in my shoes, they would shut up pretty damn quick.
Coming to this realization makes me even more charged about my final project idea. My advisor gave me the green light, but I just have to be sure to remain focused. If I am able to help at least one person with myself results, that would do my heart good. Maybe that one person will be myself, and with that, I will no longer be invisible.

Everything old becomes new again...

2004-09-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

So this past Tuesday was part two of meeting with my "Cal Dad." I miss him and the program. I wish I could visit more often, but he knows that if he or the program needs anything, I'm there. We talked a bit more about the assessment project I am doing at my school (which is quite interesting), and what I plan on doing in the future. He told me that the program is still going well, and that all the students are great. I tell ya, if it weren't for programs like the Biology Scholar Program, I don't know where I would be. Honestly. The same for other folks that were in a similar situations as I was. First generation college student, from a single-parent household, a struggling high school, oh, and not to mention from a community with a socio-economic status of crap. Mix all that up, and you got a struggle on your hands like you won't believe. Anywho, BSP and my "Cal Parents" John and Caroline helped me find my focus. To let me know that I did deserve to be at Cal and that I was just as qualified as anyone else that was there. Many folks need that and I am glad there are programs in place that provide this type of stability, considering how Cal is a typical "Me, me, me!" environment. He was telling more about how much the gap is widening as it relates to diversity (or lack there of) at UCB. He said that of the incoming freshman, only 30 are African-American. Frickin' 30!!! And of that 30, 10 are athletes. Yay. I would like to venture a guess as to how many of that remaining 20 come from underserved and underrepresented communities. Maybe 1 or 2, if they're lucky. The rest are probably from more affluent communities like the OC. I swear this sickens me. I remember Ward Connerly saying something dumb (not like that's an occasional thing), about how college shouldn't be a mirror. That you shouldn't expect to see people just like you, as you must learn to interact with all kinds of people. That is true to an extent. It depends on who has the mirror and how much windex it needs. When I went to UCB, hardly anyone "looked" like me, but they looked like each other. Where is the balance in that? There were folks that may have been black, but they didn't come from a community like mine. Or from a household like mine. And Ward says that like when you arrive there, everyone is gonna hold hands and sing "Kumbayah" around the Sproul fountain. If he believes that, then the man is more delusional than I thought. Cal was such a shitty place to be at times, but I am thankful that I did have somewhere to go, where people understood and were willing to just listen. On Tuesday, My "Cal Dad" told me that he was proud of me as we parted ways. That almost made me cry. As children, we just want to do our best to make our parents proud (biological, or not). My grandma always used to say that she was investing in us. Not monetarily, but in terms of her time, wisdom, etc. I hope to one day to fully pay all my investors back, with interest.

2004-09-16T09:05:00.000-07:00

He is just too damn hot.

2004-09-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Ooooooh, skillz! (Too bad for teh stupid flash).

2004-09-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

My CO bois

ISN...

2004-09-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

"We've got an issue in America. Too many good docs are getting out of business. Too many OB/GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."
- Dubya

To read more about the dullard's Freudian slip, check it out here.

What's your passion?

2004-09-06T02:33:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was pretty eventful. Saturday, I kicked most of the day with my sis and the CO Crew. Earlier in the day, we practiced a bit for an event next week, and then the guys prepared for a tournament later that day. At practice, we were just goofin' around (funny ass pics comin' soon... hahahaha), sharing skills and whatnot. As practice grew to a close, the guys became more... i dunno, focused I guess. I didn't realize that the tournament later that day was so intense. Anywhos, me and my sis Tash went to go support the guys. It was a b-boi tournament held in a hot (and I mean hella hot) little warehouse in West Oakland. One-on-one freestyle battles, and four-on-four crews. Some tite shiznit! These folks were so dayum talented, it was amazing! Sometimes you need to be exposed to things like this because they restore a sense of purpose and a desire to become better than you were before. Words cannot explain the energy and charge I got from being there. I mean, aside from watchin' folks represent, these random dance circles would break out, and folks would just show their skills. I always have this hope of being able to do a little of as many dance styles as I can, so at this point, I am still practicing the basics of breaking, popping, and locking. I'm pretty shy about showing it to other folks (especially friends), but here, it didn't matter. I have never been confident in my floor work, but here I was. I guess because my sis and CO were the main motivators. The CO guys are hella cool, and I am happy to have the chance to work with them because they are great guys, and I know that they will be tite at whatever they do. Their passion for dance is infectious.

While I was there though, something came to mind. How come more parents don't support this form of dance? I only saw like two sets of parents there. Unfortunately, one family was there for a tribute to their son that was killed in an auto accident in San Jose earlier this year. They were very supportive of him in life and still carry on his spirit. So powerful. I dunno, maybe some people think what these guys do is nonsense, but if they saw how much dedication they have and desire to do what they do, they would guess again.

The only thing about this event is how ladies don't get very much recognition and support for their skills. During the event, we all crowded around a small patch of linoleum, but as time when on, the space got smaller and smaller. When two ladies were about to battle, the guy goes "I know they just girls, but give them some space." What the hell?!?! Just girls? I guess with their little petite feet and bodies, they only need about an inch o space, no? Bitches (the folks that doubt the ladies that is). And dayum, why did they have to get the slowest and whackest songs to battle to? Lame I tell ya.

Well, despite the last item, and the long ass intermissions, the event was dope! Seven hours of pure hip-hop for only $10? You can't beat that. The next time an event like this comes around, do yourself a favor and go. It's definitely a treat to be had.

2004-08-30T00:46:00.000-07:00

My sentiments exactly!

Thoughts floating in my head...

2004-08-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

A few etiquette and hygiene matters...

It's not cute when girls where pants with stuff scrawled along the ass. Every time I go to the gym, some chick has some pants with something lame written across the back, like "2 hand touch" "bootilicious" or "goodies". Nine time out of ten, they either have a case of noassatall or toomuchass. Again, not cute.

Some dudes really need to wash their ass, literally. I was in Rasputins the other day looking for some stuff and this dude standing next to me smelled like straight DOOKEY! I felt like I was gonna puke. Every time I moved, he moved. Man, my mouth started to fill up with water, so I knew I had to bounce. It's one thing when folks smell musty, but when it smells like they just dropped a load and didn't wipe, that's just wrong.

Is this racist or not? I dunno what some people are thinking, or from what time they cam from, but some older folks behavior is off the hook. Yesterday after the performance, this older white guy told me "you were good gal." Then he poked my foot with his cane. What the hell? Gal? Am I back on the plantation or am I taking this too far? There have been many an instance in which old folks say stuff like that. Like this time I was in the store, and this old guy told me how he loved my people, especially Louis Armstrong. Yay! Or this one time we were at an air show and where talking to this Army guy about the carrier he worked on. Some ear hustlin' old fart goes, "Yeah, it's big enough to go back to Africa... uh, I mean travel to Asia and all over the world." Bitch! I swear, some folks are so dense, it's sad. Like they say, nothing is worse than an old fool. For realies.

Rock Bottom...

2004-08-18T00:58:00.000-07:00

Tonight I could teach my class cuz I have this dumb respiratory infection... bleech! I soooo would have rather been teaching. Well, got to spend time with the fam, which was pleasant... but, we spent the evening watching a crap reality show called "Trading Spouses." All I can say about this show is Damn. If you haven't seen this show, the premise is to take the mom or dad from one family and swap them with one another. This episode, a woman from the upper crust of society was traded for a woman from the bottoms. Mannnnn, talk about perpetuating stereotypes. I felt like I was watching "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" millennium style. What really, really, really sucked about this show was how they pushed around the grandma on this show. This woman is 72 years old, and the upper crust mom and the dad "let" her cook and clean house. What the hell? I swear I do not understand how society functions today. Maybe it's because I was raised old school, but people are so lazy and sorry today it's not funny. They forget the value of a dollar, as well as lack the concept of what a work ethic is and how important it is to have this quality. Nothing is going to be handed to you on a plate, (well, in some instances it is but I'll save this discussion for another day) so you better bust your ass and do what you gotta do. Mucho props to Nana for holding it down for her family, but damn give the lady a break!

Chocolate fantasy...

2004-08-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

I hate people. Sorry, hate is a strong word, and I honestly cannot lump in everyone. Ok, I strongly dislike perverts, ignorant folks, and liars... is that better? I have encountered oh so many in my life, and I am quite sure that it will never end. But like in that old school commercial about sexual harassment: "I don't have to take it." I cannot tell you how many times I have been dancing in a club, and some fool wants to grind his "member" all up on me. Back the F#CK UP!!! Or say some dumbass shit about my body, or talk to my boobs and ass all night long. Yay. Or the many e-mails I have gotten through personal ads about having one-night stands, or how freaky are you? What do you like? Bitches. Last night some mofo was like, "do you dance a lot?" I said yes. He goes, "so you back that ass up and get all freaky on the floor?" No bitch, not all Black women are strippers, so when we say that we like to dance, don't f#uckin assume that. Like they say, when you assume, you make and ass out of u and me. I deal with this often and I'm sick of it! But I guess it goes back to an idea I learned this summer, on that you need to pick your battles wisely. And brainless perverts, ignorant folks, and liars simply are not worthy of my precious energy and time. Ghetto girls do have standards and priorities in case you didn't know.

Street life...

2004-08-12T02:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I look back on where I came from and where my folks came from, and it blows my mind. Literally. I cannot convey to people what life has been like, because they will never truly understand. Imagine living in a neighborhood in which you have to sleep on the floor every night, because of all the activity outside. Or having a window shot out. Or having the opportunity to fully understand the plight of those that have to do what they gotta do to get by. My old neighborhood was rough. I have known quite a few people over the years that have gotten injured or killed and it takes its toll. A name of a junior high buddy popped into my mind earlier today, and it lead me to wonder how she was. She used to rap and was just an all around hella cool person. Just real. I remember that two days before we had our promotion ceremony, her dumb ass boyfriend shot her in the back because she was breaking up with him. Dayum. At graduation, we made a big get well soon card for her. As a result of the shooting, she was paralyzed from the waist down. The last I saw of her was many years ago when she was on a telethon held on KRON. She was singing in a choir and they were focusing on her situation. She was so dayum talented and just an all around cool person. I pray that she is well.
I also think about another classroom buddy of mine that I found out a few years ago was murdered. They just dumped his body at the side of the road in the Oakland Hills. I found that out from a friend when we were riding on BART. He and the guy that was killed were really tight. I remember back in Jr. school, they would pull pranks on folks... like pouring salt in the goldfish tank, starting water fights in the cafeteria, playing cat and mouse games in class, etc. I try to reflect on these times, but it's hard. All these folks were so smart and just good people all around. It's so depressing that they keep getting lost or injured. But their memories and spirits will not be forgotten and will always remain.

Foot-in-mouth disease...

2004-08-11T12:04:00.000-07:00

There are so many dumb ass people in the world. I wonder why this is so? I'm not just talking about book smarts, but mainly the concept of tact and appropriateness. A friend was telling me about an insensitive comment that someone made to her the other day. The same person has made a similar comment before, which leads me to believe that her little dumb ass zingers are no accident. It's one thing to slip and say something, but a while different ballgame when your intent is to be hurtful and rude. Perhaps to compensate for something that they are missing (in this instance, brains and class), they try to say dumb things to knock you off kilter. This same person has said some dumb-ass things to me as well, but I don't really give a shit. I could be wasting my time and energy on much more thoughtless things, not thoughtless people. Someone should develop a cure for good ol foot-in-mouth disease. Maybe I will. I'll be so damned rich!

Randomness...

2004-08-09T01:14:00.000-07:00

Who's gonna save the soul...

This is an idea that has been on my brain for awhile, and with the passing of Rick James, it has come up again. We were watching the Dave Chappelle sketch and it was kinda of hard to laugh now. And I am also pissed at those bitches at WYLD 94.9 for their dumb ass commercial with "Rick James" saying "I'm dead bitch!" Classy. It is so depressing to see so many soul singers and musicians have lives that end so tragically and quite short. Like Barry White, Roger Troutman, Curtis Mayfield, almost all of the Isleys. Not to mention Tupac, Biggie, and Grandmaster Jay. Just to name a few of the oh so many. So sad. We totally have to start respecting and valuing these talents while they are here and are able to appreciate it, as they so well deserve it. It sucks that they have to get their due posthumously.

Shall we play a game?

I miss old school video games. Classic NES was tight! So what it was 16 bit, those games were the shit. I mean Mike Tyson's Punch Out!, Mario Brothers, Kid Nikki, and Zelda!!! Mannnn, would play that shit for hours, or watch my bro. Sega was cool too. Gotta love Shinobi, Street Fighter, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Here are some random video game thoughts:
Was Piston Honda related to E. Honda?
Why was "the Kid" a cheap ass Rocky Balboa?
Did they have to get permission from Randy Savage to name that guy "Super Macho Man"?
Why was Luigi slower than Mario?
Didn't Mario Bros. have some racist ass connotations?
Does anyone else agree that Kid Nikki had the whackest ending? That shit made me wanna get my money back!
Didn't those floating hands in the Zelda castles scare the hell out of you? Speaking of which, how long did it take for the "castle" music to clear out of your head after turning the thing off?
Good idea Street Fighter, change the Mike Tyson-esque name from M. Bison to Balrog.
Did the designer of the "Chaos Rings" stages take an LSD tab before making these up?
More to come soon... not your average girl I guess.

Admit it...

I was looking at the playlist of whack ass WYLD 94.9, and on the into page they had a picture of something I hadn't seen in a long time... it was... a hair bear!!! OMG, I haven't seen one of these in ages!!! One of my cohortmates showed us a pic of her back in the day, and she had one. She said she had to lean back in her ride so her hair wouldn't hit the roof and get messed up. I think of what Black girls did back around that time. I guess it was all about the bi-level hairstyles with the bangle earrings, or the basket weave. So stylish. I'm sure all pics like these are buried in old shoeboxes or confiscated for blackmail ransom by evil individuals.

Proof is in the puddin'...

2004-08-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

This could be true, but who knows? Any thoughts...

Finding the "One"

The Buddy System...

2004-08-02T01:33:00.000-07:00

The idea of friendship has always been a funny thing to me. Sometimes I wonder if it actually exist, or if it's just a minor figment of society's imagination. Sometimes I encounter instances of the former, and a bit of the latter. I have always had trouble making and keeping "friends." There have been many an instance in which I thought someone was cool and had my interest at heart, only to flip the script and cause a great deal of pain. I guess it depends on each transition in life, as how you change, relationships do as well. I dunno, I think I am pretty much the same, but who knows. Like that crackhead Freud said, we can never know the true self. We often need others to reflect it for us. However, when we are alone, we tend to question our faults, which is good as well. See the conundrum? Told ya, from the mind of a crackhead. Anyway, I can remember a few instances of shadiness from "friends". This one dude I knew during undergrad. We had similar interests in dance, and in particular for Janet Jackson's style. At that time, I was still cripple and too heavy to do anything, but he was in a group at UCB. Anywho, he would call, e-mail a lot, meet up here and there. I thought, "man, this is hella cool to have a friend like this." Especially at that time, when I really needed someone like that. Anyways, I made the mistake of taking him to my internship at the Janet Jackson fan club. I say mistake because this mofo tried to steal my job!!! I found out from the crew I was working with, "oh, so-and-so stopped by the other day," or "so-and-so called and he is going to LA to a meet and greet." BIOTCH! Never got the chance to confront the mofo about this because he stopped returning my e-mails and calls, and I never saw him really on campus. When I did, he pulled a bitch move and would go the other way. Ugh! How sucky.
Another instance of suckiness may have been at my own hands. There was another guy friend I was cool with. We worked together and would kick it with other staff homies. We would go clubbing, movies, lunch, and whatnot. Anywhos, I made the fatal mistake of telling this guy how I felt about him, which at the time I thought was mutual, but may have been only one-sided in hindsight. Anyway, he wound up leaving the country without even a goodbye or really talking to me very much prior to his departure. Talk about an esteem killer. Who knows if a friendship would have endured despite my attempt to test the waters.
I guess friendship is part selfishness and part sincerity. In regards to selfishness, when you form a good relationship with someone, you want to "own" that laughter that you have, that understanding that exist, etc. Most recently, I have had a few friends either leave the area, or say that they were planning to. Man, I was so miserable on each instances. Bucket-o-tears. Those instances really hurt, and you try to convey that to them, without affecting their decision too much. But, that selfishness wants them to stay especially when your social circle is nearly non-existent. Some people have to move on for the better I guess, but that selfishness that exist says "Hells no homie! You're supposed to be here with me!" Regardless of how desperate that sounds, we know that we feel this to some extreme or another, even if we don't want to admit it. In terms of sincerity, this can be hard to gauge. I guess depending on how your feeling, ya know? Like if you are having a shitty day, a friend will call out of the blue just to say what's up. Or stop by and kick it for a spell. Little things like that, without coming with ulterior motives, just because they care. After awhile, you begin to tell the genuine from the fake.
On another note, I have had the chance to reconnect with some long lost pals and I am really happy about that. It's kind of funny doing that though, because with so much time lapsing, you don't get the snappy vibe you are used to right away. Oh well, at least they remember me.
In undergrad, I was fortunate to have a few people that were my rock that helped me from slipping into complete insanity. We were all first generation college students, but had each other's back. This is something I miss right now, maybe forming a strong relationship with a mentor will help me. Still yet to be seen I guess.
My sister has this idea of "friendship." She says that you have a few true "friends," but many associates. I also was talking to a really helpful mentor at a training, and she said that you just have some friends for certain things. Some can understand things better than others or will offer you a certain type of support. I like both notions, because they have a great deal of value to each when you think about it. But when it all comes down to it, like my grandma and mom always touts, all you need is God and your mom. Amen!

The Crack Maker!!!

2004-07-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have come to the conclusion that Mentos are crack. They are white rocks that are hella addictive. I go through about a pack or two a day. I wonder if there is nicotine inside along with the menthol... hmmmm...

Thinkin'...

2004-07-29T11:39:00.000-07:00

Something to wrap your head around...

- The Berkeley Marina smells like ass, so why are there folks around there? A few thoughts come to my mind, and they ain't kosher...

- If shoe size is suppose to correlate with a guys whatsawhozit, what does it mean for ladies? Boob size?

- If your a space hog in a dance class that always stands at the front, shouldn't you get better at the routine and not worse?

Hoe-Hop...

2004-07-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of hoes. All in the videos and in the performances, in the dance classes I take. Hoes are everywhere and they are ruining it for dancers. Well, I can't fault them for everything, you know what they say, hoes gotta eat too... heehee. Sorry, couldn't pass that up. There just isn't really a great place for REAL female dancers to go. If you aren't grinding on some dude or other chick, you don't get the part. You gotta have your boobs and ass hanging all out of your outfit to get in the spotlight. And then we still have to revert back to stereotypical acts, i.e. light skinned hottie is the main chick, while the darker skinned ladies act all hoey in the background. If I wanted to persue this dance thing, is that what I would have to look forward to? I'll pass man. A friend told me that I could totally make it in an audition, because she said "I had it." I said that I couldn't, in typical fashion, but mainly for the following reasons:
- I'm thicker than the ones that usually get picked.
- You gotta be "HOT" on their standards... the fact that I am not anorexic, nor have enough Indian in my family ecludes me from that.
- I refuse to hoe myself out.
- I'm not a Timberlake clone -- I like to dance with a "worm in my back," ya know, breakin it down. I don't want to have to worry about, "Ok, is my pinky in the right position, is my knee bent in a 90 degree angle?"
So much to think about. I was watching "Made" on MTV with this girl that wanted to be a skateboarder, and her sisters were talking hip-hop classes. It's should have been a show to teach them some moves, cuz these girls SUCKED!!! They showed like these clips of them "dancing," I swear it looked like she was f#ckin the floor. What the hell? That's hip-hop? If that is, how sad man. For the hoes and for hip-hop's sake.

My sentiments exactly!

2004-07-28T10:17:00.000-07:00

The "Peanuts" always know the answer!

Disturbance...

2004-07-27T11:12:00.000-07:00

Last night, some crazy lady broke into my neighbors house around 1am. Some woman was walking up and down our block hoopin' and hollerin' about something, then wham! Glass breaks, and sounds of shit being thrown all over the place. I immediately call 911 to report the disturbance and give a description of what I could see from upstairs. I say no less than 2 minutes, like 8 cop cars come rollin' up, a fire engine, and ambulance (big ass difference from when we lived on the 8-5). They're shining their flood lights and flash lights going from yard to yard with their guns drawn... dayum! In the darkness, all you see are all black figures running back and forth, and a shout of "Put your hands up and don't move!" Holy moly! Eventually, they caught the woman and our neighbor was safe, thank God. Although her place got wrecked pretty bad, she at least got out of the house ok.

On a closely related note, our other neighbors are full of shitake mushrooms and bull tacos!!! They have this whack ass neighborhood watch, but whenever there is a crime committed in the neighborhood, their asses are the last to call 911 or try to check out what they can. I remember a few years ago, a woman was beaten and almost raped a few blocks down by this asshole that a few of us complained about causing trouble, but other folks felt he was harmless. This F%cker was a dayum pervert, but folks would still hire him to cut their lawns and odd jobs and whatnot. Anyway, when this particular incident happened, it took neighbors half way around the corner to do anything! Thank goodness one of our neighbors at the time was a sheriff. SHE hemmed his ass up really good until the cops came to cart him away. I mean, the victim was screaming bloody murder for Christ sakes, and these jackasses turned off their porch lights and did nothing. But of course, the next day they came to our house and to the others that helped to be all nosey and shit. Thanks for nothin'!

Last night had me thinking about a social theory that was about the likelihood of helping others. How someone are more apt to do something if they are by themselves, as opposed to when they are in a group. Not to say that having a block of isolated neighbors would do the trick, but I think we can all do without the hen parties that don't do jack shit. Come on folks, if someone was posing a threat to you and your family, would you rather have some one help you out at that moment, or wait until the next day to talk about how unfortunate last night was?

2004-07-24T00:16:00.000-07:00

My son :)

Know your role and shut your mouth!

2004-07-23T01:01:00.000-07:00

The following are the roles of a female third or fifth wheel, as noted by Kat:

- Drink watcher
- Purse watcher
- Drunk tag-a-long entertainer (while your friends are kicking it with some cool guys, you get to hang around with the homie that is too drunk to remember his own name).
- Watcher of the pervos that try to cop cheap feels on your homegirl -- you note some asshole gettin' all touchy feely, your friend gives you that "help me" look, then you spring into "gurl, I got ur back action."
- Excuse for your friend(s) to not kick it with people they aren't clicking with. This is noted by, "Oh, I just want to spend some time hanging out with my homegirl," or "Oh, my girl has to work early in the morning, so we better leave."
- Cool guy judge -- if something is clicking, that extra wheel will let you know.
- Jerk-ass judge -- If homie sucks, they will let you know.
- Designated driver.
- In some instances, the spoiler -- if that extra wheel ain't having fun, or is being ignored, they will screw up everything. If you notice this, kindly pull to the side of the road, pop the trunk, and get out the spare. In other words, peace out bitchy bitcherson, and call another homegirl that isn't too far away.
- Drink getter.

I'm sure there are more, but these are just a few for now. Gotta love being the extra!

Gettin' personal...

2004-07-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

So I have tried personal ads on-line, and have finally come to the conclusion that they suck for me. Here is what I found what guys on-line want:

- someone drop dead gorgeous
- shallow
- drop dead gorgeous
- more shallowness
- one night stand
- fulfill pervo fantasies
- fulfill ethnic fantasies
- suck the youth out of youngsters

Run the gamut and I have had them all... well, not litterally, but have come across all these types and it is so lame. Now, I just log on just for the convo, if someone wants to chat, so what... thankfully there is a blocking option if mofos start gettin' sicko. I've had 50+ write me all the way from Alaska asking for a one night stand, or maybe more. A old mofo from Massachusetts looking for an Asian or Black wife. I mean, this guy had photos from the Korean War on his profile... gah! A few weeks ago, I got dissed by some fool through IM. At first I was like, "so what?!?!" Then said something smart and blocked his ass with the quickness... oh yeah! Then it hurt, cuz coming from someone that has been made fun of for quite sometime, it doesn't get any easier. But then I was thinking, "this asshole is probably a cyclops, or could win a look-a-like contest for Lotney 'Sloth' Fratelli from The Goonies, so why am I trippin'?!?!" One of those funny, yet hurtful situations... what a conundrum. Well, I guess this whole thing works for some folks. I know some people that have done really well with their matches, but I don't know if it's for me. What is a girl to do I suppose?

I spit hot fire...

2004-07-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

Tasty spicy food
Crazy stomach bubbling
So good, yet so bad

Give it a name...

2004-07-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Smashed a frog.
Cut the cheese
Let one go.
Poot.
Expelled air.
Flatulence.
Passed gas.
Popped a Willy.
Dropped da bomb.

All creative ways of saying FART! Me and Jennykins got into this discussion last night. In particular, about people "letting one go" in dance class. She was telling me that one time, this student that was in the front row kept shittin' on themselves, but she was sure as to a.) address it; and b.) find the correct person to direct it to. It's not like she is gonna stop class and walk around sniff to see where the poot's point of origin came from. Personally, there have been many an instance in which I have walked it to our office and I can totally tell when someone just "lit it up." It's like they think that since no one is around, they can just drop the bomb. But how do you address it? It's different when it's your folks and family, then you can call them on their shit literally. But other professionals, and aquaintances, hmmmm... I remember one time, I was talking to another tutor about something... I think student life, or something to that effect. We weren't buddy buddy or anything, just acquaintances. Anywho, we were talking one day, then all of a sudden I heard somethin'... then I smelt somethin'... homie FARTED! I knew he did it too cuz he had this look on this face like, "Dayum, why did I let it out?!?! How come I couldn't hold it?!?!" But the funny part is that he kept on talkin' like nothin' happened. Funny shiiiit. When people drop the sonic boom, it ain't cute. Only when you fart on your little cousin, or sister, now dat shit is funny.

Holy meat balls!!!

2004-07-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

Dayyyyum!!! That's the only word to explain this

For your information...

2004-07-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Yet another sleepless night... gah, makes me all stiff and zombie like the next day... crud! I stayed up late last night and watched Martin... funny shiznit... heehee. Anywhos, I'm finding as a public health nut, you tend to over analyze everything, like your brain never stops, which can be good because it keeps you on top of your game, but bad because everyone will think your boring and then you have to start talking to yourself, which I'm not sure is very public health like, but I digress. It sucks how they play all them cool and thought provoking PSAs at night, when all the folks that should be seeing them are sleepin'. Like there is this one about strokes that features Sharon Stone... very jarring and poignant. Then there is the breast cancer one with Eartha Kit that gives information that many folks may not be aware of... like by the time you find the lump, the cancer may already have spread, and stress the importance of checking often and seeing a clinician for more info. One of my favorites, since I am in the tobacco world, was the ask your parent to smoke outside one, in which kids talk about how their parents are their heroes and such. Very cool. There are many PSAs that stick out in my mind as a kid... those Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints ones about telling the truth and stressing the importance of apologizing... the Just Say No ones... and on and on. Two that stick out in my head was one for Vietnam Vets about suicide prevention, which shows this man in the dark sitting in a chair talking to a counselor about how he doesn't want to live and how he still kept his gun. I'm pretty sure with the advent of injured soldiers from Iraq (those with physical, mental, and/or emotional injuries), we will see something like this again. A damn shame. Then there was the one about the kid teacher her dad to read. It sucks how as a society, we shame the folks that are trying. I personally know quite a few people that cannot read, and barely function to get by. Hella sad. I remember one time we stopped to buy some fruit from this man and his grandson in a local neighborhood. Both the grandfather and grandson couldn't count or add and my grandmother had to help them figure how much change she was supposed to get back. It sucks how today, we sweep both groups of folks, the ill and the left behind, under the rug.
On the other hand, here is what we see way too much of... anti-depressant commercials... now it's cool to say your on Paxil, or Zoloft. Those dayum labido enhances... viagra and now there is one for the ladies too... I wonder what would happen if you mixed those up? Never mind. And my favorite... the herpe med ones. Since when has it been fun to have herpes? You see this chick going out on cool dates with some hot dude, and how she can live her life with out worrying about her scorching STD. Yay! Yeap, with all this nonsense, no wonder my brain is public health 24/7.

Yo Rocky!!!

2004-07-11T23:15:00.000-07:00

So all month on AMC, they have been playing all the Rocky's. Last night and this morning, I saw parts of I, so I rented it later to see it interrupted, cuz I'm a diva like that ;P

Anywho, here are some things I didn't realize before:
- It's actually much better than I remembered, granted the last time I saw this one, I was about 8 and it was on laser disc, so go figure.
- What happened to Rocky's folks?
- In I, he's a lot like he was in V.
- If more guys could be as sensitive as Rocky, there'd be a lot of happy Adrian's.
- Apollo is da shit! How'd he get that fro that manicured?
- Rocky was kinda hot (yeap, dat's where I am... got no action, so pining after an old movie star... yeap, I'm da shiznit!!!).

Oh Hellllllz No!!!!

2004-07-10T23:45:00.000-07:00

So this past Thursday, Tasha and her friend Neema and I went to Club Avalon in South Bay on 18 and up night. I'm still on this feat to take back my undergrad life, and all the shit I missed out on, namely the partays. Dayum, I am soooooo glad that I missed out on this shit! I thought our BSP excursion to Kiddie Nights.. err, I mean City Nights was off the hinges, but what I saw on Thursday night took the cake. I have come to the conclusion that my daughters will wear burqas and if they are lucky, skirts that reach their ankles. If I were a parent of some of those chicks in the club, they would hate me, cuz I would sooo be in the cuts ready to regulate. There were chicks there wearing shit they really had no business wearing... short ass skirts, boobs almost falling out, pieces of cloth that were supposed to be tank tops. Maybe this is a sign of my old age, but dayum ladies, have a little decency. There's is a time and a place for everything, but for my kids, there will NEVER be a time and a place for that shit! I'm also pretty sure that the local drug store ran out of First Response pregnancy kits, as the way some of these folks were "dancing" I'm sure got impregnated some how. Gah!!! Me, my sister, and Neema got on the stage to do some REAL dancing, not some grinding on some other chick shit, or seeing how far I can raise my leg over some dude's head or back my ass up into his lower intestines. I saw this one chick with a short ass skirt on, halter top, doing the splits and bouncing up and down while dudes flung dollars at her. Yay! Then they had a Beyonce contest on the stage, in which the winner could get a CD and T-shirt. This one girl was poppin' her ass so hard, I could of swore she was trying out for a Luke video. Suffice to say if that was my kid, I would have done just what my mom and grandma used to do to us when we got out of line... she'd have gotten shown up, when she showed out. In other words, her ass would have gotten snatched off that stage with the quickness and dealt with, big time. More than likely, CPS would be waiting outside. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating child abuse, but I am advocating discipline and respect. The ultimate for this night was soon to come... the bikini contest! Woohoo! Ok, what the hell would I have any interest in this whatsoever? One after another, chicks pranced around on stage, thongs showing, boobs hanging out, and of course trying to out do the next by tonguing down some other chick or reaching under the other's skirt. Classy. Then the R. Kelly announcers were prompting these youngins to take off something. One chick flashed her boobs in the hopes of getting crowd response, only to get hella boos. Like Rick James "If I had four hands, I'd give those titties four thumbs down" I guess... hahaha. In the end, the winner got... brace yourselves... hang on to your seats... a whole $100!!!!!! Wow!!!! What the hell was I sitting down for, I should have entered so that I could earn me a nice crispy C-note. Dayum ladies. All in all, the three of use tried to make the best out of this experience. Aside from the countless hoes, the shady R.Kellys, countless hoes, dumb ass security guards, and did I mention countless hoes, we did manage to have some fun. We DANCED all night and poked fun at the shit that was funny, like Tash getting freaked by Kayne West and Madonna... now dat shit was funny. To top it off, we ate at Denny's which was actually pleasant this time, cuz the waiter was cool and we just kept recounting our horror at Avalon, as well as laughing at the guy Tash swears was beatin' his meat in his car seat... hey, I got skills. Despite the shitty Yahoo! maps directions (In which I still get lost in South Bay... gah!), and the lame ass folks we tried to get directions from (F*ck y'all fools at the Shell on Lawrence Express Way, y'all bitches ain't that dumb... I mean just tell me you don't wanna give me directions aside from saying "you don't even know the address of where you work"... bitches!!!), it was fun hanging out with these ladies, bumpin' East Side jams in the E. Honda. We gotta do it again some other time. As for recapturing undergrad life, I think I just might stick to catching a few Cal games here and there and live vicariously through my former Bridgees.

Great >(

2004-07-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

Lots of R. Kelly's
Chicks making passes at me
Has to get better
>(

I miss old skool hip hop :(

2004-07-08T00:05:00.000-07:00

When songs were "real"

Slick Rick - Hey Young World

From the album "The Great Adventures Of Slick Rick"

Guess who's back (3X)

Hey young world... the world is yours
Hey young world... the world is yours
Young world young world... the world is yours
Young wo ah huh huh huh urld

This rap here... it may cause concern it's
broad and deep... why don't you listen and learn
Love mean happiness... that once was strong
But due to society... even that's turned wrong
Times have changed... and it's cool to look bummy
and be a dumb dummy and disrespect your mummy
Have you forgotten... who put you on this Earth?
Who brought you up right... and who loved you since your birth?
Reward is a brainwashed kid goin wild
Young little girls already have a child
Bad company... hey, now you've been framed
Your parents are hurting... hurting and ashamed
You're ruining yourself... and your mommy can't cope
Hey, little kids don't follow these dopes
Here's a rule for the non cool... your life, don't drool
Don't be a fool like those that don't go to school
Get ahead... and accomplish things
You'll see the wonder and the joy life brings
Don't admire thieves... hey they don't admire you
Their time's limited, hardrocks too
So listen, be strong, scream whoopee-doo
Go for yours, cause dreams come true
And you'll make your mommy proud... so proud of you too
And this is a message... that the Ruler Rick threw
And it's true

"You know, you know what, you know what, you know what?
We like to party, like to party"
(repeat 3X)

Hey young world, the world is yours
Hey young world

"Yo peep this"

Hey Mr. Bigshot... hey, don't you look fly?
But you don't have a nickle... ohhhh, my my my
You've been fightin again and, you forgot why
Hey kid, walk straight, master your high
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.... because you make your family cry
And all jokes aside, are you in good health?
Hey little boy... now have you really checked yourself?
You're a disgust, you know someone that I can't trust, you'd
steal mom's welfare... and you'd run and buy some dust, and
plus, a must so... bigshot you're not
Your friends are talkin and I'm hearin that your girls are what?
You didn't know? Go steal and rob
And while you're at it... go get a suit for a j-awhh-ob
You see you're actin like this urge is demandin
C'mon, wake up... have some understandin
Society's a weak excuse for a man
It's time for the brothers... rap is trying to take the stand
Believe it or not, the Lord still shines on you deep
Guides you... and he watched you as you grew, plus
past the age of... a little child, that's true
But folks your age don't act like you do, so
so be mature... and put the point to a halt
And if you're over eighteen... I wish you'd act like an adult
Don't live in a world... of hate hate hate
Pull yourself together... and get yourself straight
Men don't steal... hey, most don't borrow
And if you smoke crack... your kids'll smoke crack tomorrow
So be more mature... and kids do your chores
Make your own money... hey, be proud that's yours
You know why, cause that's a man... that's brains no spite
Stayin out of trouble... when it comes in sight
And a man never loses a fight... in God's sight
Cause righteous laws are overdue
And this is a message that the Ruler Rick threw
And it's true

"You know, you know what, you know what, you know what?
We like to party, like to party"
(repeat 3X)

Hey young world, the world is yours
Hey young world...

"Yo peep this...
MC... Ricky... D...
The Grand Wizzard...
and his partner...
and his and his and his partner...
say what?
La-Di! Da-Di! La-Di! Da-Di! (repeat 2X)
La-Di-Da-Di..."

My Cal fam :)

2004-07-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

Went by BSP
I miss my Cal family
BSP saved me

Much love and respect!!!

What's love got to do with it?

2004-07-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

Yo, so what's up with this whole love/relationship thing? How do you know when it hits you? I'll never understand these relationship things, I swear. I've been single and ready to mingle for a loooong ass time, and honestly, it sucks ass!!! I don't wanna be soundin' all like I'm desperate or nothin' but just speakin' my mind. I guess for those that have been in a lot of relationships, the shoe would be on the other foot. But I can only give the perspective of a lonesome loser, who's never been in a relatioship, so here goes nothin':
I've always, and still do, have this idea of having a family some day. Our upbringing wasn't the best, but it was fun and we learned a lot. It would be cool to replicate that with my kids I guess... going to the park, teaching them to read, etc. They would also have different opportunities though, like having the chance to venture outside of the East Bay, and dare I say California, to see what the world has to offer. But in the words of my grandma, when we would pine after the toys and trips my cousins got, "If I had everything in the world, I wouldn't give it to you." So true, because such "gifts" creates unsavory personalities and behaviors, but I digress.
I dunno, I guess as you get older, these ideas tend to slap you in the face over and over again. As time slips away, you tend to kick yourself in the butt for all the missed opportunities, such as being more confident and direct, not tripping off of pleasing others and being yourself... you know, all the shy things that little "not so hot", nerdy college students go through.
As you age, you tend to say "f*ck all those mofos that dissed you in the past, cus someone may be around the corner." You can only say that for so long though, because how many corners are you gonna turn? Gah... I guess I'll never understand. Is getting my own Lloyd Dobbler too much to ask?
Any thoughts on this whole love/relationship thing? I'm all ears...

Insomnia

2004-07-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

Can't sleep at night again
So frustrating to not sleep
Too much on my mind

Holdin' it down for da E.B.M.!

2004-07-03T12:10:00.000-07:00

M and J are gone
To the P.I. (Philippine Islands) for a month
Have to rep solo
:(

How long can you hang?

2004-06-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

Today we said farewell to a great man at my job. Lou has been the custodian for the City of Berkeley for over 38 years. My goodness! He is such a nice man. Every evening when I would head out, he always had a kind word and made sure that I got to my car safely. I swear, they don't make people like that anymore. With some folks concerned about making money fast and not finding happiness in what they do, or who we work with, we tend to take so much for granted. We also tend to take for granted the folks that do back breaking work that the average person wouldn't dream of. But they do it, and they don't complain. Their desire to help is genuine, yet another trait that is lacking in many. So here's to you Lou! Happy retirement and have fun enjoying life! :)

Bullshit

2004-06-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

Check out this shit! Recalling retired and discharged Army soldiers for the lame ass war.

Got game?

2004-06-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

I miss playing gin
Thank you kslinger01
Patience is a gift

Down, brown, and round...

2004-06-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

East Bay Mafia
Filled me with rice and sweet treats
Wants to keep me fat
>(

Oxymorons

2004-06-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

Two weird ass public health actions:

(1.) Often times, we have a serious ant problem in our kitchen... I mean SERIOUS!!! They crawl all over the sink, under the back door and even the copy machine. Yay! Nothing like smooshed ant on a copy of an important document. Anywho, you would think that we could put down some ant killer or something, but noooooo, it's not environmentally safe. I guess I'll just go back to some old fashion stomp actions, cuz I ain't trying get no extra protein in my food!

(2.) What the hell do I do with those Styrofoam peanuts?!?! When we order items, they load up the boxes with those things. However, with the Berkeley ordinance, the disposal of Styrofoam is regulated, and a fine may be assessed if this is done so. So, I ask the environmental health folks on how to get rid of this stuff, and they are like "I dunno." Great. If ya ever looking for them peanuts, holla at ya gurl... I got dat hook up.

(3.) Good snacks/Bad snacks. When it ain't ant season, often times we share food in the office. You'll find fruit, bagels, and other dishes... which is great when you are a baller on a budget. But sometimes folks leave out the most tempting snacks. Like this morning, somebody left out 4 or 5 boxes of Tastykakes... cream filled, chocolate... sugar overload!!! I can only imagine the e-mail the nutrition folks are gonna send out. I see how it is, just trying to keep a sistah down and round.

Crud!

2004-06-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm an old lady
Living life like I'm forty
Gray hairs are coming