Breathe, stretch, shake...

Today has been a looooong day. I think the weather is reflective of my mood right now. Wet and cold. Very fitting. Some random thoughts have been floating through my hand, sorta spawned by a convo I had with TK last week, but even more so, just thoughts that tend to pop in my head as I'm driving. We were talking about the influences our grandparents had in our lives when we were younger. How families that have hardships and whatnot have grandma fix everything. Like how they were the ones to take us to school, to teach us to read, taught us about life. Where's mommie? Where's daddy? Obviously, certain situations arise that are very difficult to overcome, and you just have to swallow it, no matter how bitter the pill tastes. But I have to take this a step further, in terms of how life is for myself at least, considering that my grandma is gone and I have my mom to look out for. I've noticed this with quite a few friends of mine (which is comforting, as it's helpful to talk to someone who understands). Often times, I feel so lost because not everyone understands what this is like. As children, we noted the social support network relationship between our moms and grandmas, and as we get older, we tend to model that as well. The cycle continues. Sometimes, I have to highlight the beauty in this because it causes you to respect and remember the importance of family values and such. However, sometimes I wonder what I am missing out on. Life in general. It would be nice one day, just to take off a year to just travel and live life. But then you feel a bit guilty because you know that someone needs you. Ah crud. Such a messy space. I find myself doing things to remember the good times I had with my grandma, or these ideas will just pop up when I see random people interacting with one another. Like Monday, I saw a woman helping a kid learn how to ride a bike. I remembered how my bro taught me, and that everyday, my grandma would sit outside and watch me roll up and down the street as she gardened, with my sister in tow. Or in Starbucks, I decided to be a little rebellious and put some nutmeg in my coffee. I remembered that smell oh so vividly, as it reminded me of the holidays when my grandma and mom would make desserts and they would use nutmeg in the egg custard and sweet potato pies. Mmmm! I miss that. I spoke to my teacher last week about some random life issues that I am having right now. I just feel so lost and that I can't connect with anyone. Such a funny place. She told me that it may be related to the fact that I am still grieving. I don't know if we ever really heal from these things. I guess the T in this is to remember all the good stuff that happened to kind of get you through it. And if putting a little nutmeg in your coffee in the morning does it for you, so be it.