The Buddy System...

The idea of friendship has always been a funny thing to me. Sometimes I wonder if it actually exist, or if it's just a minor figment of society's imagination. Sometimes I encounter instances of the former, and a bit of the latter. I have always had trouble making and keeping "friends." There have been many an instance in which I thought someone was cool and had my interest at heart, only to flip the script and cause a great deal of pain. I guess it depends on each transition in life, as how you change, relationships do as well. I dunno, I think I am pretty much the same, but who knows. Like that crackhead Freud said, we can never know the true self. We often need others to reflect it for us. However, when we are alone, we tend to question our faults, which is good as well. See the conundrum? Told ya, from the mind of a crackhead. Anyway, I can remember a few instances of shadiness from "friends". This one dude I knew during undergrad. We had similar interests in dance, and in particular for Janet Jackson's style. At that time, I was still cripple and too heavy to do anything, but he was in a group at UCB. Anywho, he would call, e-mail a lot, meet up here and there. I thought, "man, this is hella cool to have a friend like this." Especially at that time, when I really needed someone like that. Anyways, I made the mistake of taking him to my internship at the Janet Jackson fan club. I say mistake because this mofo tried to steal my job!!! I found out from the crew I was working with, "oh, so-and-so stopped by the other day," or "so-and-so called and he is going to LA to a meet and greet." BIOTCH! Never got the chance to confront the mofo about this because he stopped returning my e-mails and calls, and I never saw him really on campus. When I did, he pulled a bitch move and would go the other way. Ugh! How sucky.
Another instance of suckiness may have been at my own hands. There was another guy friend I was cool with. We worked together and would kick it with other staff homies. We would go clubbing, movies, lunch, and whatnot. Anywhos, I made the fatal mistake of telling this guy how I felt about him, which at the time I thought was mutual, but may have been only one-sided in hindsight. Anyway, he wound up leaving the country without even a goodbye or really talking to me very much prior to his departure. Talk about an esteem killer. Who knows if a friendship would have endured despite my attempt to test the waters.
I guess friendship is part selfishness and part sincerity. In regards to selfishness, when you form a good relationship with someone, you want to "own" that laughter that you have, that understanding that exist, etc. Most recently, I have had a few friends either leave the area, or say that they were planning to. Man, I was so miserable on each instances. Bucket-o-tears. Those instances really hurt, and you try to convey that to them, without affecting their decision too much. But, that selfishness wants them to stay especially when your social circle is nearly non-existent. Some people have to move on for the better I guess, but that selfishness that exist says "Hells no homie! You're supposed to be here with me!" Regardless of how desperate that sounds, we know that we feel this to some extreme or another, even if we don't want to admit it. In terms of sincerity, this can be hard to gauge. I guess depending on how your feeling, ya know? Like if you are having a shitty day, a friend will call out of the blue just to say what's up. Or stop by and kick it for a spell. Little things like that, without coming with ulterior motives, just because they care. After awhile, you begin to tell the genuine from the fake.
On another note, I have had the chance to reconnect with some long lost pals and I am really happy about that. It's kind of funny doing that though, because with so much time lapsing, you don't get the snappy vibe you are used to right away. Oh well, at least they remember me.
In undergrad, I was fortunate to have a few people that were my rock that helped me from slipping into complete insanity. We were all first generation college students, but had each other's back. This is something I miss right now, maybe forming a strong relationship with a mentor will help me. Still yet to be seen I guess.
My sister has this idea of "friendship." She says that you have a few true "friends," but many associates. I also was talking to a really helpful mentor at a training, and she said that you just have some friends for certain things. Some can understand things better than others or will offer you a certain type of support. I like both notions, because they have a great deal of value to each when you think about it. But when it all comes down to it, like my grandma and mom always touts, all you need is God and your mom. Amen!