Guilt trippin…

She called… but I never made it around to call her back. I kick myself for not having done so.
I met my friend Shareedah at King Estates junior high school in 1990. For our three years there, the crew that consisted of us, Marisol, Omeka, Tahlia and the Twins were pretty much inseparable. I often times felt that we didn’t fit into the rest of the crowd – in that moment, this felt sooo uncomfortable – but looking back, I think that was kinda cool. We always looked out for one another, ate lunch together, studied together, talked crap together – all the stuff young teenie boppers do I guess.
Our little crew would always look out for Shareedah, as she had epilepsy. Don’t get me wrong, she was very strong willed and had no problem speaking her mind – not to mention that she had a black belt in Karate no less – but often times other students and even teachers didn’t know what to do when she would have seizures. These instances were very difficult – but I did learn a great deal – I learned a lot about understanding, the act of not being judgmental, and the importance of solidarity – qualities that no text book can ever teach you – you just have to experience it.
In June of 1993, this crew of trailblazing chicas went different ways – Omeka, Tahlia and I to Oakland Tech and Shareedah and Marisol to Castlemont.
I would still talk to Shareedah from time to time. She’d send letters and I would send some back – we’d chat on the phone here and there. Still trying to hold on to a bond that was cultivated out of necessity and sincerity. I kick myself repeatedly for not holding up my end of the bargain.
It had been a few years since I spoke to Shareedah. The last time I spoke to her, she was still working at the Oakland Airport, and it seemed like she was really coming into her own. Last year she moved to Atlanta – I’m not sure if she did so with family, or on her own – but still a huge and admirable step nonetheless in my opinion.
However, I recently got some news that I was not expecting. After I got back from my LA trip last week – my mom had some news to share. It’s funny – I can always gauge when my mom has some unpleasant news to share – there is always this eerie silence and extremely calm, yet strong expression on her face. Shareedah passed away. What? My mom said that one of her sisters called with the news – it seems that she passed away after a bout with pneumonia. As soon as the news hit my ears, I could feel the guilt churn in my stomach – beginning to boil over. How could I be such a damn jerk?
Shareedah’s service was held this past Tuesday, and obviously it was extremely hard to handle. I was a mix of emotions – angry, sad, calm, numb – all rolled into one. My sister and my mom attended the ceremony with me – which made it a bit easier to process and deal.
I think the whole ceremony was reflective of who Shareedah was – very loving, respectful, filled with positive energy, supportive – as one of the eulogist said, a ceremony we only hope to have done for us some when our time comes.
Today, it's a bit easier to handle – but I must admit that my eyes are welling up as I write this. Today I had the strength to look at her program again – and I ran across some pictures of us from junior high- remembering all the happy and fun times we had together. That helps to melt away the pain and the guilt.
There are so many things that stick out from the service for Shareedah – but something that was quite poignant came from another eulogist/family member – she remembered Shareedah as a kind and loving person, and no matter what happened in her life, she never passed judgment or looked down upon anyone – which is what made her so special and unique. The eulogist’s hope was that we follow Shareedah’s legacy and work to become a bit better than we already are. Again, another instance in which I learned something that is so priceless, words cannot express how thankful I am to have been revisited with this realization. For that, I will be forever thankful to have Shareedah in my life.

Toyota Tacoma Diaries…

As I sit at my desk, my mind is wandering big time. Man, I need a vacation. I think the little taste of an excursion that I had this weekend hasn’t quenched that feeling… but it was still the bomb nonetheless. This past weekend, my partner in crime Beto and took a turn around trip to SoCal – leaving on Friday and coming back Sunday… damn! Where do I begin… I guess at the beginning huh? We left East Bay around 2ish, which was a little trafficky around the Tracy area. On our way through the Modest area, it felt like we were in a damn oven – having to turn on the air conditioner periodically before we melted away – can’t say the same for the nutritious gummy bears I brought to tame our hunger, as they wound up becoming a yummy gob of gelatin… not the greatest sight to look at, but when your hungry, who really cares if it hits the spot, right?
Here is a smattering of the highlights along the way:
We passed through a city called Los Baños (the bathrooms) – imagine telling someone you live in Los Baños… hehe
We passed through a city called Panoche (which is Spanish for a woman’s nether region – but it’s a cuss word, so don’t use it unless you wanna get slapped) - again, imagine you saying I was born in or live in Panoche… that’s kinda gross come to think of it…
We stopped in Coalinga for a break and to eat something that didn’t taste like the pineapplecherryorangeapple creature we had been dining on. In Coalinga, there is essentially nothing! Where there are some things – at least the place where we stopped. There were a few gas stations, a Carl’s Jr., and Red Robin’s – which is where we ate and overused their sweet, free air conditioning. Both Beto and I were imagining what it would be like to live in this spot, and we both agreed that we would have more fun poking our eyes out with a spoon. But who knows? Maybe they have hidden raves and parties all night long and we missed it – yeah, I doubt that to.
This area all kinda looked the same after a while – lots of fields with thriving or dead vegetation, prisons, cows, hella cows, more cows, horses, sheep, a few llamas, cow shit, tons of cow shit, and another prison.
After we ate, we hit the road again and listened to the same 4 or 5 CDs over and over again (Bob Marley, Akwid, Santana, and Cumbia), but I didn’t mind – they were really dope. For more entertainment, Beto and I would crack jokes about the things we saw, crack jokes on each other, he’d help me with some of my Spanish, and I would help him with the beautiful language and technique of sarcasm, which I think I use oh so well.
Finally we reached LA, but we didn’t really didn’t know our way around – I mean REALLY didn’t know our way around. We didn’t have a map or anything – just guesstimates – like I guess we make a right here, or I guess we go straight, etc. We tried calling our LA connections for directions, but they weren’t answering or calling back. *sigh* It was getting late, we were hungry, and poor Beto had been driving the WHOLE time - I can’t drive stick =(
We finally found a place to eat in Downtown LA, which was about to close, but the staff there let us in and hooked us up. Just one of the many places on this trip where I’m sure the pounds will pop up on me soon. Later, we found a nice and reasonable place to stay, and made lightweight plans for the days to come.
On Saturday, we drove around Downtown LA again. To me, this place looks a lot like the Mission in the City or E14th in Oakland, so Beto and I felt quite comfortable (you can take the folks out the hood, but you can’t take the hood out the folks). We parked at a lot and walked around for a few hours. I bought some knock-off Claratin for my allergies and Beto bought a charger for his phone and some spices. Again we ate our faces off, and then we made our way to East Los!
Again, it’s amazing to me how all these areas look the same – it reminded me of some parts of Hayward and East Oakland near the Coliseum and the train tracks – only some of the companies here were still thriving, and perhaps still pumping who knows what in the surrounding neighborhoods via the water supply or plumes of smoke that would explode here and there.
We stopped at a Starbucks to steal some of their air conditioning and hatch a plan for what was next on our agenda. Here talked some more – about how we grew up, where we want to go in life, where the hell is the freeway, etc. Beto told me that in Mexico, he and his friends would take weekend trips every weekend. Man. Imagine that? Just saying lets bounce, and you do just that! I think I need to take advantage of opportunities like that more often. Even though we didn’t have a map, I didn’t really care – this was the first time in a long time that I did something without a strict time limit or an order – and it felt great!
But we did have to find a map on how to get down to San Diego, so we crossed the bridge that Ice Cube and NWA has filmed hella videos on and picked up several maps – we looked so touristy. By the evening, we made it to San Diego. Beto has a friend that lives there, but she wasn’t home *sigh* So again, we had to find food and a place to lay our heads. We wound up eating hella food a Coco’s and then headed down to Downtown SD – particularly the Gas Lamp Alley. To me, it really wasn’t all that – too many people – and there was a fitness convention – so it was too many fake tan/fake titty people for my taste. The main highlights for me was us walking around and getting kinda lost, eating ice cream, passing by Padres stadium, and seeing two homeless people fight. Way to go.
We then circled around and looked for a place to stay, but everything was super high, but we eventually found a place that worked out. The hotel had a bar, which was kinda like a whole in the wall and it was karaoke nite – yay. A room full of drunk people singing old rocker and slow jams, or country. The ultimate was when someone sang “Baby Got Back” and there was not any “back” in the house except mine. Go figure. The bartender was nice to us, but after our drinks, Beto and I had enough and went to sleep.
On Sunday, we hit the road to head back up to NorCal.
Again, we saw hella cows, tons of shit, and truck loads of tomatoes.
We passed by Anaheim Stadium and Disneyland (which I have still never been too, and not sure if I want to), while listening to the same 4-5 CDs and munching on the gummy bear glob.
We passed through our favorite party spot, Coalinga, crossed over the Panoche river (hehe), and passed through Los Baños (hehe).
Before we could make it all the way home, as we visited a very good friend of ours (kinda like a brother to me) Katipunero and his wife. Here we used their sweet air condition as well, and checked in with each other about how things have been since we went through our masters program. Later Katipunero took us all out to dinner… balllin!
Finally, we made it back to the East Bay! Back to the grind – boo!
Even though this trip was very short and within the State, I still learned a lot:
I learned that it’s really important to be thankful all the people that I truly cherish that are in my life; that freedom to do whatever you want should not be so intimidating;
and that there is a city called Panoche!!!
The end.