When the spirit catches you...

I just read a really good piece on Bill Cosby that was posted on MSN. It's pretty fair and balanced, and I think gives a view on a subject that is long over due, or has been unrecognized to say the least. It's something that I personally deal with on a day to day basis, and I'm sure others may feel the same, from one extent to another. The overarching theme being the concept of "dual personalities" if you will -- trying to play both sides of the fence to gain and/or maintain acceptance by your peers, mentors, and followers. It's funny, a few months ago a cousin of mine came to visit my fam and I. My mom tells him that I am in grad school, working towards a masters in public health. He goes, "That's fine and all, but a man ain't gonna want someone with just book smarts. He's gonna want someone that can cook too." My heart nearly sank into my stomach. What? Sometimes I wonder what peoples perceptions of me are. Especially depending on the environment. If I am amongst those of a more academic and professional setting, maybe they think I'm uneducated, some harlot of a woman with kids all over the place. I'm not exaggerating on this, because this happens. And it Sucks! I mean, just most recently, some mofo on IM responding to a comment I made about not judging a book by it's cover decided to come back with this classy retort -- "I say, don't judge a hook by her corner." Quite classy huh? How is a woman able to keep her head high when she is constantly exposed to commentary like this on a daily basis? Sometimes, I wonder if it is worse when it comes from my own people. I hear a lot of music, and it surprises me how a lot of this stuff gets airplay. I may disagree with Mr. Cosby on a lot of things, but I do agree that our young people should not be exposed to imagery like this -- but not just by video and radio play. A lot of these ideas perpetuated through verse kind of fall into the "chicken before the egg" category. It's too easy in my opinion to blame artist for the music they make. Yes, you can urge them to be more accountable for their actions, but a lot of them are reflecting where they come from. This whole issue that Mr. Cosby sights is much deeper and more personal then we all would like to see, but must be done. Finger pointing and criticizing is not going to make anything better. Some action has to be associated with it. Over the years, I feel that my own identity has been a bit lost or swirled around at the hands of my own advancement. Sometimes I'm not really sure where I fit in, or if I even have to. Just as with everything, the coin has two sides. From my own folks (i.e. family members and community members), some people think that I'm "uppity", White-washed, etc. Again, that doesn't do the esteem any bit of good. Again, how come? I guess the answers to life's questions will never come easy, huh? But I'll be damned if I don't try to figure it out -- for others, if not my own sake.

Internal documents...

Lately, my head has been clouded with so many thoughts. Some good, some bad. Some positive, some negative. Some happy, some sad. Well, you get my drift. I really don't want to say this, but... I can't wait until winter break is over! =( This is supposed to be vacation and what am I doing? Still working. No friends are or will not be around for the next month or so. And now I got this cold. Beautiful, huh? I have been thinking about a few resolutions and goals here and there, which has caused me to do a lot of soul searching, ultimately leading to a greater good. I was reflecting back on some blog entries from this year -- mannn, I hope that 2005 will be better. It's funny how the holidays are a time of joy and laughter, yet can evoke feelings of sadness and loneliness. Lately, I'm kind of feeling more of the latter. But I will build myself up soon, I have faith in that. I'm still compiling my list so that I will have a frame on how to make "good, better." I don't know if this list will be the answer, but why not, eh?

Universal language...

Love is a word that gets lost in translation...Easy to repeat to yourself over and over again...But when the time comes to say it, it can't get past the mountain of a lump that builds in your throat...Remember to tell those that are close to you how much you love them...Even if the translation is incorrect, they still understand what your saying...

Virtural Reality...

I took a Greek Athletics class during my first year of college -- bio major combined with sports makes an interesting mix, huh? But I digress. One of the major themes of the class was a concept called Arete (with an accent on the last 'e'). Basically, it regards a persons virtue -- their strength, courage, and ability to carry on. This concept came back to me this weekend for some reason. I guess because of the dance performances that I saw this past Saturday -- including ours. When I see the crew, I am so amazed and proud of what they can do. If you see their faces and their energy -- you'll notice how focused and driven they are to share their talent and skills with so many people. Amazing. I love those guys, and not just for their talents but because of their awesome personalities -- they know what it means to be a team player and to support everyone in what they do. We need more folks like that.
So today, I began to think more about my own 'Arete.' Like, how do I begin to highlight that more? But more importantly, what the hell is it?!?! Perhaps it comes from the various models that I have encountered in my life -- both good and bad. Ultimately, from those that give of themselves altruistically. They are genuine in their actions, and despite how people may or may not receive them, they still carry on. How cool is that?
Carla Service (the woman quoted in the last entry) has been sick for the past couple of months. She told me that despite how horrible she may be feeling, when she sees her dance students and feels the energy that they give off, she can't help but want to move. This showed during her solo performance on Saturday night. She was so tired and literally lost her voice, but from the way she was moving and the energy that she gave off, you couldn't even tell. I admire that. When people are willing to give of themselves unselfishly, that is truly a rare find. Yeah, an 'Arete' like that is pretty damn cool.

Quote of the night...

A quote from a woman I see as a mentor and a phenomenal woman:

"Be the change that you want to see."
-Carla Service

I'll expound on this greatness soon, and with pictures!

Spent...

Yesterday, I attended the memorial service for a friend. It's sad, because the last time I saw her was at the memorial service for another friend about a year prior. As I was preparing to get out of my car, I scrounging around for Kleenex, but only had a few. I just had to fill up my pockets with the various fast food establishment napkins I could find. I can be such a tear drop waterfall during times like these, and I needed all the security I could find. As I was walking, I could slowly feel my eyes water and my throat dry. "Ahhh, here we go" I thought. Before I could say hi to anyone, bucket-o-tears city. But I held it, until I saw the artwork. My friend was a self taught artist, and she had such beautiful pieces. Tons of self-portraits, but the most striking were the ones that showed her progression through her illness. How do you muster the courage and strength to do that? Again, eyes watering and burning, throat beginning to close. As I walked around, I saw people that I knew, and people that I didn't. Every once and a while, people putting these pained smiles on their faces. As if they still want to convey to you that they are hurt, yet offer a smile to show that things will be better and that everything is ok. After I placed my items at her altar, I sat down and soon some of my SLC family arrive. One of my instructors was there too and gave me like the sturdiest hug ever. I think we both needed that. When I saw one of my friends, tears began rolling down my cheeks. But it was ok, because her eyes began to redden too. I am still trying to process all of this. But I am not sure if it will ever make sense to me. When people pass away, I don't know how others are able to celebrate that person's life so quickly... while it is still so new. I can see how it is a healing process, I mean, I can experience it down the line. But right at the moment, it blows my mind how strong people can be with situations like these. I am still in the process mode... but I am happy to say that I knew my friend. And that she was a great spirit that will always be with me. =)

Stupid/Good stuff...

Favorite lyric of the moment:
Usher -- "Simple Things"
You better look outI hear you talkin', i hear you talkin' (ha)But what are you sayingOh hoo oh hoooDon't be a foolYou got a good thingMan are you blindStupid or crazy?You got a good thing (uh)You got a good thingIf that's your ladyYou better hold onAnd give her what she wantBefore she move onMan I tell you cars, clothes, and fancy things don't mean a damn thingIf you ain't kickin it baby

So true... not just about relationships, but a lot of things in general. It's funny how when I was studying social theory and behavior in undergrad, I used to be like "OHHHH MY GODDDD! This is soooo boring! What am I gonna use this crap for anyways?" I'm glad I didn't fall asleep too much in class and skimmed the right parts of my books. Lately, been doing a lot of mental gymnastics, mainly about why people are the way they are and why they do the things they do. Well, not just other people, but myself included. It's funny how the simplest things can make someone's day. The other day, I was in Berkeley getting ready to meet the East Bay Mafia to work on our power point presentation (Yikes! Less than two weeks away!), and I popped into Starbucks to get my daily crack fix... err, venti coffee. I was at the little counter trying to jazz up my drink with sugar and whatnot, but my stupid lid slid off the counter and into the trash. Damn, my luck I guess. It was a nothing really, just a slight inconvenience. I mean, I had no problem asking for another. However, a guy next to me goes, "Oh, looks like you lost your lid huh?" "Yah, I did. It was so weird how it flew away from me. I'll ask for another," I replied. The man walks away. I hear in the background, "Excuse me, my friend over there lost her lid. Can I get another on?" This guy I did not know from Adam, let alone ask to do this willingly did this. It's funny/sad how these little actions become less of the norm. I see so many jaded people and I wonder, "Man, is there anything that makes you happy?" As time as gone on, I find my self reflecting more and more on the teachings that I learned from mentors, teachers, and loved ones. I remember on the first day of a public health class, my mentor Prof. Griego told the class, "Cal is gonna make you sick." Huh? I had no clue as to what that meant. Like a month into my time there, I realized what he meant. All the stress I was under, both by my own will and not, I DID get sick. I say that to say this, not to forget all the great words of wisdom you encountered through life. Also, be genuine in your actions to others, because the rewards will be greater than you ever imagined. After the man at Starbucks got me the lid, I thanked him, and he walked away. As I walked down Center St., I saw the man drive away and he waved and smiled at me again. Thank you again sir, wherever you are. =)