This or that...

If you had to go to one side...
Yes or no...
This or that...
What would you choose?
Heartbreak from true love, or the 'what ifs' that linger from a crush that has never faded
A person that remembers their past, or one that keeps an eye on the future
A person with a life of struggle and pain, or someone who has lived with ease and bliss
If you had to choose...
No ifs, ands, or buts...
Which would you take?
The joy and happiness that stems from imagination and creativity, or the stability of reality and fact
The beauty and serenity of art and movement, or the complexity and amazement of thought
If you had to be certain in your choice...
And could not toe the line...
Which side would you fall?
To live for yourself, or live for others
Hold hands with those that are behind, or follow in the footsteps of those that are ahead
Appreciate what is here now, or rely on memories when it's gone
For these questions, the answers are tough to find...
Just as with life...
Just as with love...
Or any other journey we encounter...
But ultimately, the choice is yours

How 'bout I show you the back of my hand?!?!

Props to my Taiwanese twin sister Cin-yee for that one. (An inside joke I'll explain in the next post).

An omen should have been the long ass line at Starbucks that kept me from getting my morning crack, and the old lady driver on the cell phone that was inching along in front of me, which made me late for work. It also doesn't help that my braces are very abrasive today for some reason and the wires are poking out again. Woohoo!

Today, I could feel myself becoming ill from stress, which is not good. I was gonna wait to write about glass ceilings until after tomorrow, but it can't wait. I'll just put up a part two to all of this next time.

Gah! There are so many -isms in this world, but when you are a vic of multiple ones, that gives Goliath an extra 10 foot advantage on you. I'm finding more and more in my work a high amount of glass ceilings that I thought wouldn't be where they were, and that a lot of allies have turned out to be enemies actually. Oasises that turn out to be crap.

Today, there was a miscommunication that was made between myself and another rep from a different department. A colleague got into the mix, and things just fell apart. All day long, she keeps mentioning to my boss the error that was made (mind you a miscommunication) and how it seemed like the world was gonna come to an end because of it, all at the hands of me (well, at least that's how I felt). Great. I do my best to fix the misunderstanding, but it still doesn't seem like it did any good. I spent 3 freakin' hours doing clean-up, only to get this backhanded comment: "Gosh KB, you seem like you have so much on your plate. Work and school. You must be stressed." Nice. I really feel the sincerity there. Tomorrow, I'm taking a sick day, because I really don't feel well.

Instances like these further helps me to recognize the -isms that I get hit in the face with everyday. I'm not gonna dwell on the racial and ethnic difference, because that's too obvious. Unless I pull a Michael Jackson, I just gotta work it out as best as I can. What sucks is that often I get confronted with the gender, age, and "intellectually" related barriers. I say "intellectual" because smarts should not always just be noted by the degrees you have, or the amount of time you spent in school, but life skills as well. How you interact with people in general. It all just amazes me, which I really try to avoid dwelling on. But when you're constantly confronted by it, It's not easy to overcome. I mean, I'm one of the youngest folks in my cohort, and the job I do requires an employee with a masters level (I've had this job almost a year and half, and things are coming along fine), so you can just kind of get a glimpse at such instances that may arise, bearing in mind that I've spared you the racial and ethnic examples to boot. Believe me, I'm doing you and myself an emotional favor.

A mentor once told me to pick your battles wisely when you are treated unfairly. Which is so true. But sometimes I think, how many times do I have to lay down and play dead? How is that going to wrong a right? With getting a fat dose of -isms that muck up the situation, it's not easy to pick apart the ammo used in the attack. Case in point, a few years ago I was helping a student write her thesis. A few months rolled by, and I saw her and her family at a restaurant. She wound up getting an A on her project and she couldn't wait to introduce me to her husband:
My student: "Honey, here is my tutor I was talking to you about."
Husband: "Oh really? Where?!?!" (mind you, he turned around with a smile. After my student pointed at me, this is what I got)
Husband: (Dead pan expression) "Interesting." (Turns to make some weird ass eye contact with his brother).
My student: mouthing the words "I'm so sorry."
Yay! Ok, how would you take some crap like that? I felt like my student didn't need to feel sorry that her husband was an asshole, but I digress. How would you respond to something like that?

I'm often very charged about my area of study and what I want to do, but shitty experiences like these make me highly cautious (which I'm not sure is good or bad). I can only imagine what life while be like when I get my doctorate. Well, at least there is dance to relieve stress, and the resort of my car to blast music in as a putter around. Someday, I shall overcome.

I'm in love...

I'm in love...

With the b-boi
freeze poses, air chairs, and flares
no missed timing and top rocks
back spins and gliding
the love of my life can spin on his elbow for an eternity
strength, skill, and passion all rolled into one
gotta love this jewel as there is no other
I'm in love with the b-boi

I'm in love...
With time
some times it takes advantage of me, but so do I
we have an understanding like that
sometimes I forget it exist, but it always reminds me that it is ever present and immanent
time and I have so many memories, and I can call on it to brighten my day
sometimes, time makes me sad, because it cuts away at me like a knife
but time also has the ability to heal all wounds
the scare might be there to remind us of what happened, but the healing shows us there's hope
I'm in love with time

I'm in love...
With thought
it keeps me grounded
allows me to reflect and create without passing judgment
It gives me hope and strength
A glimpse at what's to come
I'm in love with thought

Breathe, stretch, shake...

Today has been a looooong day. I think the weather is reflective of my mood right now. Wet and cold. Very fitting. Some random thoughts have been floating through my hand, sorta spawned by a convo I had with TK last week, but even more so, just thoughts that tend to pop in my head as I'm driving. We were talking about the influences our grandparents had in our lives when we were younger. How families that have hardships and whatnot have grandma fix everything. Like how they were the ones to take us to school, to teach us to read, taught us about life. Where's mommie? Where's daddy? Obviously, certain situations arise that are very difficult to overcome, and you just have to swallow it, no matter how bitter the pill tastes. But I have to take this a step further, in terms of how life is for myself at least, considering that my grandma is gone and I have my mom to look out for. I've noticed this with quite a few friends of mine (which is comforting, as it's helpful to talk to someone who understands). Often times, I feel so lost because not everyone understands what this is like. As children, we noted the social support network relationship between our moms and grandmas, and as we get older, we tend to model that as well. The cycle continues. Sometimes, I have to highlight the beauty in this because it causes you to respect and remember the importance of family values and such. However, sometimes I wonder what I am missing out on. Life in general. It would be nice one day, just to take off a year to just travel and live life. But then you feel a bit guilty because you know that someone needs you. Ah crud. Such a messy space. I find myself doing things to remember the good times I had with my grandma, or these ideas will just pop up when I see random people interacting with one another. Like Monday, I saw a woman helping a kid learn how to ride a bike. I remembered how my bro taught me, and that everyday, my grandma would sit outside and watch me roll up and down the street as she gardened, with my sister in tow. Or in Starbucks, I decided to be a little rebellious and put some nutmeg in my coffee. I remembered that smell oh so vividly, as it reminded me of the holidays when my grandma and mom would make desserts and they would use nutmeg in the egg custard and sweet potato pies. Mmmm! I miss that. I spoke to my teacher last week about some random life issues that I am having right now. I just feel so lost and that I can't connect with anyone. Such a funny place. She told me that it may be related to the fact that I am still grieving. I don't know if we ever really heal from these things. I guess the T in this is to remember all the good stuff that happened to kind of get you through it. And if putting a little nutmeg in your coffee in the morning does it for you, so be it.

Sing like no one is listening -- Dance like no one is watching...

Song of the moment: Mario - "Let Me Love You"

It's funny how certain songs have the ability to evoke emotions. I finally downloaded enough new music to make a new CD for class, which was definitely needed. I was getting a bit tired of the other ones, and needed a new bolt of energy, but I digress. Class last night made me feel good for a change. Where I teach dance is kind of hit or miss -- usually classes in gyms don't fly because people primarily come for the weights and machines. I don't usually see too many muscle-bound folks eager to get their groove on, so you can imagine the difficulty. When folks don't come, I get a bit discouraged because dancing is so rewarding to me, and sharing with others that appreciate it makes it even more so. Last week, Dee-ray, my sister and I were the only ones there. But last night, some folks came through and we had a lot of fun. The regulars that come are great and I am so happy they stick it out with me. One of them goes "I sooooo needed this class this week. If my sister wasn't so sick last Tuesday, I would have come. I hate that I missed it." Damn. Much love and respect for that :) I guess if I only get one person that comes to dance, it's fine. Just knowing that it brightens someone's day (including mine) is enough for me.

I ain't lyin...

This site is called random ponderences for a reason...

Friday, my practicum team and I went to the City to work on our project. While walking to the car, some woman on the corner was yelling in Chinese, but when she saw me, she said in English "Fuckin Black people mess up everything!" Then she pointed at me! WTF!!! I didn't even know this woman and she yellin shit at me?!?! What the hell. That screwed with my brain much more than they thought. Ignorance shows no bounds, despite a person's race, creed, or color... so to lump all folks into one shitty category is absolutely senseless. Someday folks will get the message on this... I hope at least.

Part deux of Kat's day of race relations was on BART. Several Black kids got on the train, I guess they had returned from a field trip or something, and where laughing and carrying on. A bit loud but they were moving along and not bothering folks. Man, if stares could kill. So many people where looking at them in disgust and making all these sour ass faces (almost as bad as Bush during the Debate). Then some dude gave me the "you're Black too! Handle your people!" glare. I'm sure you gotten a stare like this as well, so you may know what I mean. You can kinda get a sense of this when the person is seeking folks in the area that look like the "troublemakers" , then you get the eye brow lifts, the smirks and whatnot. Great. I love being the Queen of an entire race. I am so not worthy.

On a lighter note, I hung out with my "family." Melanie came over on Friday and we laughed about childhood punishment, then jumped Tasha. Perhaps displaced anger seeking a release, but that was hella fun. Even if at Tash's expense... J/K.

Hung out with Bulli yesterday (Happy Birfday!!!), then saw Monkey (who keeps poking my lovehandles like I'm Miss Pillsbury... punk!) and Ken (who I beat up on as well). Those guys are like my little brothers.

It's funny how much of a mix my "family" are. Everyone at my house is welcome and call my mom "Momma" as well. Dang, I remember when I was a kid, we used to go to various cultural events in Oakland. My grandma used to tell us how it's important to respect people despite their differences and to appreciate diversity. Damn, I guess some people in society weren't as fortunate to get such teaching.

Shizer!

Today was a culmination of my life: a complete mess... bleech! I was supposed to go to an important meeting in the City that was slated for 9:15am, but guess what time I wake up... 9:45am!!! My stupid alarm didn't go off and I overslept. With a fat mix of insomnia and worry, when I finally was able to sleep, I slept too much. Dammit! Soooo, I jump outta bed, wash my face and do some emergency teeth cleaning (i.e. swish around some mouthwash... I know, steer clear huh), then bounce. Three-wheel motion over to the City (thanx ma for the ride) and run to the meeting. Fortunately I didn't miss much, but still... sux to be off schedule.
I soo wish things were better. That's it, I need a vacation. Oh yeah, there is that issue about a buddy, money, and time. Damn. I wish I were rich, then I could fix everything. But I work in public health, so I dunno if that'll happen. Crud. Well, here are my options:
Find a sugar daddy to pay for all my shit... how sweet will that be?
Or tennis shoe pimp... yeap, call me Miss International... haha.
Well, at least I keep my head up, despite how shitty things get. That's a saving grace.

Are we there yet?

I need to invest in a map. I can get lost so easily on the road it’s ridiculous at times. Even if I print out the little Yahoo! Or MapQuest thig-a-majigs (not to say that these are reliable either) I get lost. But this is the time when different ideas began or finish flowing through my head. Random ponderences if you will. Like, how am I gonna handle a work related situation on Monday? What happened to Power 92.7? How did I get to the point where I am? Etc., etc. I went to study group today with some of my cohortmates (Banagan, Ingrid, and Kathy) to study for a Health Policy midterm that’s tomorrow. Despite discussing the chain of command in politics, how bills become laws, all that bureaucratic talk, side thoughts would pop into my head. Although we were in group study, I was day dreaming here and there, with a little people watching mixed in too. I was thinking, “damn, when I was a kid, or even a teen, did I even conceive I would be where I am right now?” Probably not even as soon as last year. I remember when I was 12, I was like I’m gonna be just like my mom and have my first born when I’m 20 and my second by 25. Ha! We see where that has gone, considering how much of a “Lonesome Loser” I am. J/K, but I digress. I also thought that I would finish undergrad in 4 years, med school in 4 years, and have my own practice as a pediatrician in Oakland that served underprivileged communities. I also briefly had an idea of going into forensic science, but you need something called a stomach for that Damn, I was ambitious. When your younger, I guess you have it all planned out. I’m gonna get married, have 2.5 children, be a doctor/lawyer, have a picket fence, a dog, etc., etc. It’s funny how life doesn’t always have the path that you want, but ultimately it can take you to where you are intending to go. Like with my homie Jason T. from undergrad. When we were in BSP, he always knew that he wanted to become a doctor. He did quite a few of his pre-reqs and whatnot, but then the business bug bit him. Off to Haas to learn the tricks of the trade, and this is pretty much where we lost contact. Somehow we connected up about a year after graduation, and he told me how he learned the hard way that biz wasn’t for him. Although he was quite successful in it, it was too cut throat, so he decided to return to his initial focus: medicine. Now he’s in med school and planning to marry next year. Wow! Sometimes the idea that I have for life becomes clear, but then I think I either spill coffee on the map or it flies out the window, because something will come up that you totally don’t expect and you just gotta rely on your instinct to get back on course. Some day, it’ll be nice to have a family and have my kids experience the things that I didn’t get the opportunity to as a kid. Like to travel and whatnot. Just to see what is out there. I’ll just make sure their dad drives, cuz if I do we’ll probably never get to where we need to go.